Investment in a new device with which to raise water to boiling point was occasioned by the demise of the Sunbeam that had given about a decade of sterling service - not that it is a stirling engine. Buying a new kettle is really very easy. Stroll into Noel Lemming because you have to be there for something else anyway, saunter over to the kettle department and remove from the display anything that is not aesthetically a non starter (and there plenty of those) and is $70 off advertised price. Done.
Take it home and the fun begins. Open box and remove appliance after discarding the environmentally sound packing; I haven't the time or incliniation to dwell on this aspect. And then what do we find? An instruction manual. Remember I have not just purchased the Large Hadron Collider but a kettle. This instruction manual is, wait for it, 16 pages long. We start with this tome telling me I have just bought the Breville Comfort Kettle. Eh? Slippers are comfortable as is an armchair. A soothing hand on a troubled brow gives comfort. A kettle boils sodding water; and it does nothing else. Alright, Page 2. 'Congratulations on the purchase of your new Breville Comfort Kettle'. I am going to be ropable before we get anywhere near page 16. Page 3. Contents 4 - Breville recommends safety first. 6 - Know your Brevile Comfort Kettle. 8-.... I can feel the red mist coming on.
I can't see myself getting past Page 4 but we'll give it a go. 'Remove and safely discard any packaging material and promotional labels before using the kettle for the first time' No shit Sherlock. However it doesn't say you can't stick all the labels back on and fire it up in its box second time round does it? What an irresponsible comapny Breville is turning out to be. 'Remove the protective cover fitted to the power plug of this appliance'. So that's why I can't fit the plug in the wall socket. 'Always ensure the kettle is properly assembled before use. Follow the instructions in this book'. Right. There are two bits to this appliance; there's the hollow cylindrical bit wot you put the water in and this sits on the base from which electrons flow. That's assembly? That's assembly that requires following instructions? 'Do not touch hot surfaces. Use the handle for lifting and carrying the kettle' If you can't work that out for yourself you shouldn't be allowed to buy food let alone nasty, horrible, dangerous kettles. 'Use caution when pouring water from the kettle, as boiling water and steam will scald. Do not pour water too quickly' I'm starting to get cross. 'To protect against electric shock, do not immerse kettle base, power cord or plug in water.' Enough already, but we must soldier on in the interests of allowing this highly dangerous piece of kit to achieve the purpose for which it was purchased.
All of the above is just getting you warmed up for the centre piece of the book which is half way down Page 5 - you can tell by now we aren't going to get to page 6 or any further into this load of rubbish. 'The appliance is not intended for use by persons (including children) with reduced physical, sensory or mental capabilities, or lack of experience or knowledge, unless they have been given instruction concerning use of the appliance by a person responsible for their safety' At this point I am seriously tempted to take the kettle back to Noel Lemming and tell him he can stick it where water never boils. Blind - I'm sorry visually impaired - people cannot buy a kettle? The Human Rights Commissioner will have a thing or two to say about that, I'll be bound. People with one leg are denied the pleasure of boiling water? No pots of instant noodles for those with schizophrenia? Government funded kettle use courses at night school for the socially disadvantaged with follow up supervisory visits carried out by Hi Viz jacket clad Kettle Supervisors?
The world has gone bloody nuts but I'm off for a cup of tea. Might make it standing in a bowl of sulphuric acid just for a laugh.
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