Just as I bemoan the lack of opportunity to have a good grizzle and not three hours later I get a beautiful half volley just outside off stump. Off to the the extra cover boundary you go.
Lockwood Smith committed a grave crime today. What was this, pray tell? Did he eat a baby on prime time telly? Mug an old lady with a kitchen appliance? Rob a bank? Walk on a crack in the pavement? No, far, far worse than all these heinous acts rolled into one. He offended someone. Well he didn't really but some numpty tree hugging weird beards said he did. Bollocks. Many points around this whole episode.
What did he say? We'll just focus on the Asian bit in the interests of brevity. 'Some Asians have small hands and are more suited to certain types of work which might include fruit picking.' Well I can just imagine great droves of Chinese workers casting themselves from the Great Wall on hearing that. What the hell is wrong with any of it. Do some Asians have small hands? Yes. Do a lot of Asians have small hands? Yes. Does having small hands make you better suited for some kinds of employment than if you are endowed with shovels? Yes. Is the above statement racist? No. What the bloody hell is wrong with it then? Would anyone have raised an eyebrow if he had said 'Whitey's have bloody great huge hands and are therefore much more suited to wielding a sledgehammer than Chinamen'? I don't think so. What had he said 'Chinese girls have black hair and therefore make very poor Marilyn Monroe impersonators'. Evil racist slur? I'm sure you could find a hand wringer somewhere who would find justification for a public stoning. Give me strength.
I asked my wife (who is Chinese) if she found this Lockwood Smith remark offensive. She looked at me quizzically and laughed. In fact the people I have so far heard whining about the dreadful utterance have all been severely not Asian. Even Pond Scum Bovver Boy Mallard put his hypocritical five cents in - he's the bloke who goes round thumping people who offend him you may recall. We have come to a point when this sort of harmless tosh is accepted as being offensive. We are in the middle of an election where easily the most important issue to be resolved is the world economy going tits up and how we are going to handle our little corner of it. And there are people saying there ought to be sackings for a bloke who tells the truth about the size of a chinaman's hands. Get real.
All this equality bollocks again. We all have to be the same and equal. I can't play golf as well as Tiger Woods. If you point this out to me are you being 'elitist'? Should Tiger be told to start playing off 15 to make sure I am not offended? And he's black - and Asian. Now I'm really offended. I am unlikely to have a baby. Is this sexist and should I be offended by same?
Right lets get away from the specifics and onto giving and receiving offence. Why for heaven's sake does anybody have to be saved from the dreadful fate of being offended? What is wrong with a bit of good old fashioned offensive behaviour? Offensive is good. I don't wanna talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I'll fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and you father smelt of elderberry!!!! Now that's jolly offensive but how good. I wish I could be so gratuitously and inventively offensive whenever the whim struck me. I'll wave my private parts at your aunties you cheesy lot of secondhand electric donkey bottom biters. That's how effortlessly offensive I would like to be.
I am going to re institute a campaign I first floated a couple of years back. I want this country to have a National 'Lets Offend Everyone We Can Find and Just See if The Sky Falls In' week. All female Chairpersons of Committees are to be called Chairmen, people of colour are to be called wogs, pakis or whatever you fancy. Overweight people are to be called fat b*st*rds. Vertically challenged people are to be referred to as short arses. People who are patently stupid are to be called stupid. Ugly people of either sex are to be told they look like the back of a bus. Posters featuring scantily clad seriously attractive females will be made mandatory when advertising power tools. Dwarf throwing contests are to be featured as Super 14 halftime entertainment. Wheelchair ramp access to bungy jumping platforms are to be closed. People you don't like are to be told their mother was a hamster (even if she wasn't). Western Springs Speedway will have a week long twenty four hour a day race meeting. All stray dogs and some cats are to be shot on site. Te Kaha and Te Mana will be ordered on a whale hunt off Little Barrier with a bikini clad (young female) TV One reporter 'embedded' as on the spot coverage. A $5 voucher off your groceries will be offered at Woolworth's for every seal pelt produced. Free napalm will be available for all those living near a mangrove swamp (a box of matches also provided). The government will give a free chainsaw to everyone who has a pohutakawa blocking their view. A fifty percent rebate will be given on the road tax for all vehicles with engines larger than four litres (extra discounts available for turbo or supercharged motors). Name suppression for any one in court will be banned and Helen Clark will open Big Boys Toys.
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