Wednesday, January 21, 2009

OK, where is it?

The Autocue.

That Bazza O'Bazza has the gift of the gab is undeniable. He would have me captivated announcing he was putting the cat out. Watched, listened to, got emailed, YouTubed his speech at the inauguration just an hour ago. Well, I had no choice did I? It was even on Radio Sport. Got into the vehicular transport to escape the oratory for an erudite discussion on jockstraps and there he was again bending the ear of every power pole I drove past. But how does he do it?

That it is pre-written is a given. Even the bloke who half the world thinks walks on water can't make that sort of stuff up on the hoof. He obviously has a short term memory problem as he couldn't even remember half a sentence of his oath without ballsing it up. So where is the autocue? He doesn't wear glasses so its not in the frames of those. Etched on a contact lens by some secret NASA engraving process? Projected onto the sides of his nose from a microprojector in his tie? A hologram emanating from that irritating stars and stripes brooch they all wear? Could be that as he had an extra one on his overcoat; they are normally a lounge suit appendage. One of his cute daughters (not sure if I can stand four years - or even eight - of SWMBO going gagga over those) holding up handwritten notes on the back of envelopes? He looks out into the distance when speaking so is it in sky writing? Dozens of F16s performing Gettysburgesque barrel rolls over Maryland? Got me beat.

Anyone remember what he actually said?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Its raining

Now that I am dependent on the stuff that falls from the sky in order to clean my teeth a decent downpour is very welcome after over a fortnight without significant precipitation. I just wandered out to the barn water tank. This is the back up booster jobbo. A mere 9500 litres (a tiddler in the rural water tank scheme of things) that is connected to the main house tank (which is much more biggerer) via a sodding great subterranean pipe with a ball-cock at one end and one of Onga's finest at the other. Keeps the main tank topped up and therefore gets empty the quickest (funny that). Anyway you could hear the water cascading into its green innards with the force of Iguacu. Marvelous. That will postpone the arrival of the waterman's truck and the promise of a swap of 8000 litres for $110 for a wee while yet.

At this time of year our biggest water drain is the swimming pool. Well you can't survive the summer without one can you? Evaporation was learnt about in the fourth form and forty five years later I now realise that Mr King was right. Bit of a bugger but I don't think there is much I can do about it. I've investigated pool covers and those floating transparent liquid efforts look terrific. The fabric roll up ones, on the other hand, look hideous. Contact the floating liquid cover wallah and his first question was 'Do you want this for an infinity pool with a weir?' 'Yes' I truthfully reply. 'Well a liquid floating cover is not going to cut it as it will all flow over the edge and end up in the weir. Can I interest you in a roll up cover' ' No but thank you for telling me something I should have worked out for myself and making me look like a clueless plonker.'
So it is a life complete with wholesale evaporation for me. How can I maximise the amount of water I lose from the pool? Have a big pool. Check. Heat it so the water remains a significant amount above ambient air temperature for as large a part of the twenty four hour cycle as possible. Check. Have the water constantly moving and make sure that this is in a thin film over as large an area as possible (falling down the front wall of the weir). Check. No I reckon I have a swimming pool that has been especially designed just for the like of me who wants it to evaporate as fast as possible. However I do have a cunning plan involving the irrigation water tank up by the tractor shed. More physics; gravity is my friend.

The only downside of a morning of rain is that is happening on a Sunday. Monday would be good as I just go to work. But Sunday I can do nothing that I normally do on the Lord's day. Golf? I loathe, no hate, playing in the rain. People spend loads of dosh buying really flash wet weather rain gear. Goretex this, breathable that. What a waste of cash that could be put in the piggy bank to help the DB9 fund. I own no wet weather golf gear at all; I do make a concession to an umbrella. If it rains I don't play. If it starts to rain whilst I am playing and looks like it is going to last for more than a hole I stop and go home. Simple. So golf is out.

Fishing? The marlin are around. Well sort of. They are holding a big convention around the Aldermans and Mercuries and are currently to be found pretty much nowhere else. A couple of lost souls caught unawares staggering home from a late night down at the Squid and Pilchard have been picked up in other places but the traditional New Zealand marlin hotspots are yet to get going. They will. Even I am prepared to go fishing in the rain. After all the old piscatorial pursuit would look a bit sad without water would it not? But you do not go for a day's marlin fishing without a little preparation. Having a boat is a good start. Sold that fifteen months ago. Its replacement from the Chesapeake is still twinkle in the eye and is having a fight to the death with an Aston Martin. Failing owning a fighting machine, conning your way onto a mate's bateau works well. I have not done this with today's date specifically mentioned and so it is no fishing for me.

Property maintenance? Well last time I looked all my property is outdoors. High dusting is not in my job description. Weeding in the rain has less attractions than golfing in a downpour. I can think of no two stroke, four stroke or diesel powered agricultural machine I can usefully employ when it is pissing down. I have no holes to dig; and I wouldn't do that in the rain anyway. I've just wandered down to turn off the irrigation tank pump (transfers water from the creek to the big tank by the tractor shed) but even that was one handed as the other was taken up by the previously mentioned golf umbrella.

No I'm stuck. I'll have to do something indoors. Making the four lures bound for Frankfurt yesterday is now looking to be a hasty rush of blood. Should have saved that pleasure for this morning. I haven't packed then yet though. There's three minutes usefully employed. Go and buy 60m of garden hose from Mitre 10 Mega. I also squandered that time absorbing activity yesterday. What a foolish fellow I am being so profligate with all these indoor type things when the sun was shining. Dregs of the barrel stuff now. Read the paper. But it's raining and the paper is 370m up the drive and I refuse to get a vehicle out to go and get the paper. I could walk up there with the umbrella; or get wet. If I had a Goretex golfing rain suit I could put that on for the trek to the mailbox. But I don't so I can't. I could wear my fishing rain jacket. But that is in the barn and how do I get there? Umbrella again. Possible. Read yesterday's paper? Hell, this bad.

As soon as the tanks are full (fullish will do) it can stop bloody raining.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Not funny

The only thing that has been streaming around what passes as a brain for the last couple of days is not funny and I don't want to write about it - so I won't.

Normal service will be resumed as and when I feel like it.

Monday, January 5, 2009

New Year, same rubbish

It is an absolute disgrace that Keith Locke is still being paid a wage from my money. What warped system have we allowed that enables such a nutball to be a Member of Parliament. We should be taking released prisoners from Guantanamo Bay into New Zealand so that they can recover from the traumas of their imprisonment at the hands of the evil Satan in the warm caring society that is the People's Republic of Aoteoroa. What a load of bollocks. New Zealand needs time expired Guantanamo residents like it needs foot and mouth disease.

The only good things I can think of that come from the Member for Cambodia's latest outrage are 1) it matters not a jot. Since November 8th his rants have even less relevance than previously. There is no Dear Leader's ear to get into - I can just see JK getting Keith around for a cup of Earl Grey, a chocolate afghan and a bit of foreign policy advice. 2) It further expose the Greens for what they really are, watermelons. When she in the need of tooth whitening and botox departs the green veneer will have gone and the red core will be exposed for even the terminally stupid to see. It has always amazed me why so many people would waste a vote on the Greens. Even the 'I know they won't get in but they are the conscience of the nation and have the best interests of the planet at heart' crap won't wash when they come up to you collecting for renovations to the Gulags.