Tony's motor

No time - Fridays are a bad day for that - but a couple of quickies.

Reports of the Nats backpeddling on the no cap on GP fees. For Pete's (not Hodgson) sake don't. Have the balls to stick with what is right. GP's are not employees of the state (much though The Dear Leader would like them and every other worker to be so) and must be the only people in business who are told by the government what they can charge for their services. All this would be fine if central subsidy was sufficient to make up their costs to real world levels but it isn't. Why do you think there is a shortage of GPs? It is a naff job from an earning a decent living point of view because the government made it that way.

I'm going to buy Pattie Boyd's autobigraphy - it looks to be a great read. Just need a long aeroplane journey to read it on. Perhaps I should go to North Carolina to look at boats.............

Tony Blair has just been delivered of his new tax payer funded car. As an ex Prime Minister he is entitled to one and he scores a seven series beemer. All the usual accesories you tick the box for in Jerry Clayton's showroom - armour plating, run flat tyres, independent oxygen supply in case of a gas attack etc., etc. Sounds like a pretty sharp price too - $250,000. Car is delivered direct from the BMW factory in Munchen and they open the truck in which it arrives in Blighty and out jump four asylum seekers. Unfortunately for our enterprising Zaoiuiuoi lookalikes the truck was being unloaded in a police yard and they got sent back from whence they came - as did the car as its security had been 'violated'.

All sorts of lessons to be learned in this little anecdote I think.

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Graeme Hick

Remember Graeme Hick? A Zimbabwean (or more correctly Rhodesian) cricketer who scored a phenomenal number of runs in English County cricket (I think he even played in New Zealand for a while - Northern Districts?) but underperformed mightily at international level. A general consensus of his career was that he was a flat track bully. Able to cane mediocre attacks on batsmen friendly wickets but less competent when the conditions and the attack were not to his liking.

The Dear Leader got a juicy medium paced half volley just outside the off stump yesterday and not surprisingly stroked it through mid off. One would expect no less. National announced that the cap would be taken off the fee for GP visits as and when the glorious day arrives when this damned government is no longer in power. Helen flashes the Duncan Fearnley and the ball crashes into the advertising hoardings. Meat and drink. 'This will lead to the underprivilged and old being unable to afford to go to the doctor and their health will suffer'. She stopped just short of painting a picture of carts being wheeled round the streets to the accompaniment of handbells and cries of 'Bring out your dead'. Some other Ministers (Hodgson probably) were egging her on for overthrows in a similar vein. Flat track bully because the faster short pitched stuff was in the other fifty one pages that she chose not to face. This contains very sensible (if a little boring) stuff like separating funding streams for emergency and elective services. But that is what bullies do is it not, they pick on the easy beats.

Key walks up quite calmly and, whilst not quite firing in a yorker, kept the rest of the over on a good steady length aimed on and around off stump. 'There is a thing called a market' and to explain such a novel idea to a socialist idealogue like The Dear Leader he padded this out by explaining it using no big words or joined up writing. If Dr X starts charging $1000 a visit the punters will go to Dr Y who will only lighten your wallet to the tune of $50.

Now I know this is a complete anathema to a regime who cannot abide a proleteriate who are allowed, let alone encouraged, to think for themselves and then make choices but it shows that some people are at last standing up and telling it like it is. We cannot live in an ideological bubble. Some may say the Nats will take a hit in the popularity over this one statement. Nonsense. The only people it will piss off are those who have bought the state line of 'We know what is good for you so do as you are told and what ever you do don't make a decision about anything in your pitiful life - that's our job.' We cannot go forward pussy footing around and ignoring the way the real world works.

It was reported earlier this week that if a young woman of the female persuasion is 'on the DPB' at age seventeen there is a 70% chance she will still be so in ten years time. This is not the way the real world works. A few years ago I was chatting to a bloke who has a more than passing influence on the way a proper country is run. He was sitting on my deck hoeing into the Marmite soldiers with a copy of the Herald in his view. 'Explain this benefit busines to me'. I, in a somewhat embarassed way, did my best and pointed out that in the Peoples Republic nearly one in three of the population recieve some form of benefit or an other from the state. This might range from total subsistance to a few trifling dollars here and there to help with 'Understanding gender orientation and ethnicity respect issues' courses. He just shook his head, let out a long sigh and turned to the football results.

We simply cannot sustain this socialist way of doing things. We are getting more and more examples of the way this damned regime wants to take us as their tenure grinds inexorably on. More and more tax on the people who work to be given to the those who can't or won't in the endless pursuit of fairness and equality. Well the people who are working and getting taxed have had a gutsful and are leving the country in their droves.

When all these people have gone and the tax take dries up where do we end up?

Where was Graeme Hick born?

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Car insurance

Compulsory third party insurance for cars takes up half the front page this morning. A fair comment on the paucity of real news. I arrived in The People's Republic of Aoteoroa twelve years ago and was astonished to find that you could drive around without insurance. This makes someone trying to bring it in hardly hot news. How can you possibly defend not having third party insurance? A few years back I had a minor low speed contact with a car turning out of a side road. The damage to my car was $6,000 which was four times the value of the heap of junk that had turned into me. Totally her fault which she admitted straightaway (to her credit) but then got all tearful and wanted her mum as she was uninsured. I was adamant that I was not going to suffer a dent in my no claims bonus as well as my pride and joy and my insurance company was very good on this front. I politely enquired of my insurers how they were going to recoup the cost of the new headlight and washer assembly from the UK. 'Oh, she'll join the endless number of people paying us off at $10 a week for ever.' It does not take an economic genius to work out that this will have a disastrous effect on cash flow and I will be paying for it with my inflated premium.

Harry Duyendhoven (or however he spells his name) has announced that the time may be right for consultation over this matter. Bollocks. Typical bloody politician weasel talk. Just bloody do it. As of, let me see, tomorrow all cars on public roads will be required to have third party insurance. Easy peasy. But they are tackling it from the wrong angle.

They are promoting it as a way of getting boy racers off the road. Naysayers say it won't work as the hoons won't be able to afford insurance and they will drive the Skylines illegally. Well if it is illegal the car gets put in the crusher (as should happen now to all the un-WoF'ed and un-rego'd numbers) and not be 'punished' by having a sticker put on its windscreen for twenty eight days. Introducing third party insurance is not about getting hoons off the road, there are already enough unenforced statutes around to do that. Break any of the myriad of laws these clowns break regularly and the full provisions of punishment available should be, but are patently not, be used.

Compulsory third party insurance should be bought in for the reason it suggests in its name - the third party. You and me. Especially me when some clown drives a rustbucket into my Jag.

And don't get all 'But the poor won't be able to run a car' because I will get all politically incorrect on you and it will involve shoe leather.

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Fiction? - maybe

As there is nothing in the Herald on a Monday (and this has got even worse today with a review of what is in this week's women's magazines) I have decided to write about just that - nothing.

In fact my latest masterpiece which I have printed for your delight and delectation is completely meaningless and was generated by a thing called the Postmodernism Generator which is a system for generating random text from recursive grammars. The trick from now on will be to spot when I am using it

Capitalist narrative and Derridaist reading

Obald,

Fishing.net.nz

1. Rushdie and capitalist narrative

If one examines redialectic capitalist theory, one is faced with a choice: either accept Derridaist reading or conclude that the raison d’etre of the observer is deconstruction, but only if poststructural discourse is invalid; if that is not the case, language may be used to entrench the status quo. In a sense, the subject is interpolated into a capitalist narrative that includes art as a paradox. The example of Derridaist reading depicted in Rushdie’s The Moor’s Last Sigh is also evident in The Ground Beneath Her Feet, although in a more mythopoetical sense.

But the main theme of Pickett’s[1] model of capitalist narrative is the common ground between sexual identity and sexuality. Marx promotes the use of neopatriarchialist narrative to challenge society.

Therefore, the subject is contextualised into a Derridaist reading that includes narrativity as a whole. Any number of appropriations concerning a structural paradox exist.

It could be said that the characteristic theme of the works of Rushdie is the bridge between culture and class. The premise of capitalist narrative suggests that the State is impossible, given that consciousness is distinct from reality.

2. Derridaist reading and subcapitalist constructivist theory

“Sexuality is intrinsically meaningless,” says Baudrillard; however, according to Reicher[2] , it is not so much sexuality that is intrinsically meaningless, but rather the dialectic, and thus the failure, of sexuality. Therefore, many theories concerning capitalist narrative may be found. Bataille’s critique of Derridaist reading holds that reality is used to marginalize the underprivileged.

It could be said that the subject is interpolated into a capitalist narrative that includes culture as a totality. In V, Pynchon deconstructs subcapitalist constructivist theory; in Mason & Dixon, although, he denies Marxist socialism.

In a sense, the subject is contextualised into a subcapitalist constructivist theory that includes truth as a paradox. Bataille suggests the use of capitalist narrative to attack capitalism.

3. Expressions of futility

The main theme of Pickett’s[3] model of subcapitalist constructivist theory is the dialectic, and eventually the futility, of neotextual society. It could be said that Parry[4] implies that the works of Pynchon are modernistic. If capitalist narrative holds, we have to choose between cultural discourse and prestructuralist desublimation.

If one examines capitalist narrative, one is faced with a choice: either reject dialectic socialism or conclude that consciousness is capable of truth. In a sense, Derrida promotes the use of Derridaist reading to analyse and read class. Capitalist narrative states that the purpose of the reader is significant form.

But an abundance of theories concerning the common ground between society and sexual identity exist. Baudrillard’s analysis of the neocapitalist paradigm of discourse suggests that sexuality serves to reinforce class divisions, but only if Derridaist reading is valid.

It could be said that the subject is interpolated into a Marxist class that includes reality as a totality. Lacan uses the term ’subcapitalist constructivist theory’ to denote the dialectic, and hence the futility, of textual class.

Therefore, Sontag suggests the use of the postdialectic paradigm of consensus to challenge the status quo. The premise of capitalist narrative implies that reality is created by the collective unconscious.

---

1. Pickett, M. A. ed. (1975) Consensuses of Stasis: Derridaist reading and capitalist narrative. University of Oregon Press

2. Reicher, R. K. W. (1981) Derridaist reading in the works of Pynchon. O’Reilly & Associates

3. Pickett, Z. ed. (1976) The Reality of Fatal flaw: Derridaist reading in the works of Cage. Yale University Press

4. Parry, O. D. (1994) Derridaist reading in the works of Eco. Loompanics

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Sagcity from abroad

Yippee. It is finally here; the tax that will toll the death knell of this odious regime rode into town yesterday. If anyone is under any illusion that all the carbon trading tosh announced by seemingly every minister the government could lay a hand on is anything but a thinly veiled extra tax then please drag yourself into the real world. Tax, tax, tax - that is all this mob knows. Well that, trying to tell us how what to think and fiddling around with things so they stay in power. Where do we start?

You can’t really go past the fact that it is all chasing rainbows. The so called point of it all is to save the planet from man made global warming and that is a load of bollocks. There is no such thing. So I’ll put my keyboard down now as there is nothing more to say. But there is. The Government thinks we all believe in the global warming bogeyman and they can therefore justify rorting more money out of us. David Parker (Climate Change Minister – give me strength) was seen on telly saying ‘Four cents a litre on petrol to save the planet - what a deal’. Pullease. How can he lay straight in bed? Are we seriously going to elect people to parliament who have the balls to stand in front of us and let such piffle dribble out of the corner of their mouths? We deserve better.

He then goes on to say the People’s Public of Aoteoroa should become a leader in the use of electric cars. Well for starters there aren’t any in existence that work anything like efficiently. Those that are produced have to get their energy from somewhere; but electric cars are good as the government can take their slice of the new electricity tax off the juice to run the chargers. Perhaps Parker has decided that New Zealand is also going to be a world leader in the production of perpetual motion machines. We will then presumably branch out into selling the world the Philosopher’s Stone so that all the lead we distil off China made Fisher Price toys can be turned into gold. Barking the lot of them.

Another Government quote, this time from Her Herself. 'New Zealand's reputation overseas is priceless'. Not what we do but what we are seen to do. So we are all going to have pay through the nose so that this damned administration looks good. Hopefully the rest of the world will wake up, see that the emperor has no clothes and that we are seen to be making pratts of ourselves. Also notice that although all this BS is supposedly meant to make us emit less carbon what it infact does admit that this ain't going to happen (and it doesn't matter if it does anyway, remember) but tax you for doing so.

And so it goes on and on. The biggest part of New Zealand's infinitesimally small contribution to global greenhouse gases comes from farm animals. So Labour exempts farmers for six years. Forests are good but only those planted after 1990. Presumably older tress have not been suitably brainwashed to toe the party line. The lower income folk (levels undefined) are to be subsidised on the admitted rise in energy charges by those pulling in a bit more dosh. How much more of this bollocks can this not inconsiderable chunk of the population (who all have a vote) stand? I suspect this is going to be the straw that finishes off the camel.

More and more devious ways to bolster the tax take which they then use to keep themselves entrenched is all this mob think of.

I try and stay away from quoting great lumps of prose from others in these ramblings (I regard it as being lazy) but I can do no better than Viscount Monckton (who is a very strange gent with a somewhat chequered history) when it comes to the Headmistress’s latest outrage. I shall therefore append what he said yesterday – and this was aimed at New Zealand.

‘A tax on jogging, cycling and swimming “because sportsmen breathe out more carbon dioxide than the rest of us”.

A bread levy “because the holes in bread are made by carbon dioxide from baking powder”.

A fizzy drinks volumetric charge, calculated by counting the size and quantity of carbon dioxide bubbles emitted when the can is opened.

A Champagne “super tax”, levied at five times the fizzy drinks charge “because tax is all about making the rich poor without making the poor rich”.

Monckton said the Government was at last making real “the dream of every tyrant – to tax the very air that we breathe”.

“From now on, every time you exhale you will be paying through the nose for it, literally as well as metaphorically,” he said.’

Maybe we shouldn’t give them ideas.

I sense that New Zealand is so over this government. Please let it be so. I really like it here and I would hate to have to leave.

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Keystone cops

If you were to ask me I would perhaps say that my wife's evening television diet shows a bias toward American cop shows - you know the sort, CSI, SVU, Criminal Intent and the like. She would reply that I spend too much time on Boat.com typing in 'Albemarle, 28-33ft, 2003-7'. Harmless affectations both. But hers might actually have some value. On Tuesday night during the Six O'clock News she said to me 'Why did the husband take the wife's car to the airport. I bet she's dead and I think she's in the boot of that Chinese News car that is behind the reporter for the whole country to see.'

That plod is not as sharp as my wife is one of the many reasons I am not married to the New Zealand Police Force. There are others. Lots of people appear to have made mistakes in this case already; which is fine. We all make mistakes. That these are making the whole country look like a bunch of plonkers in the international media is unfortunate but them's the breaks. What gets up my nose however is the retreat into 'process' to cover up the errors and, even worse, the acceptance by people that this is a legitimate thing to do. Instead of Plod coming forward and saying 'We are thick' or 'We were having a senior/blond moment' we get all this nonsense about having to have separate search warrants for the car and the house and 'we didn't have the car keys' and 'we must not investigate matters in a way that might cause distress'. Just bloody say it - 'We have been as slack as here' or 'a policeman could have told you the body was in the boot' - or not as the case may be'

The husband did a runner with the girl after collecting his passport (and his sword - eh?) from the cop shop. 'I would like my passport please' 'Certainly Sir' 'And my sword'. 'Here you are, Sir. All cleaned and sharpened. All fingerprints removed' Now I don't know about you but I do not keep my passport down at the Takapuna Police Station and one assumes it was there for a reason. It would appear that he has a protection order out against him preventing him from seeing the child and there on A3 today is Plod's own handicam showing them together in the Henderson Police Station for Pete's sake. Not only are they together in Plod's nest, he is picking up his passport (and his sword, of course). I only have my passport in my possession when I am in the act of changing countries. I'll not tell you when I am carrying my sword. It would appear that has been a bit of a blunder here. Fair enough, that happens. But just wait for the excuses to start as to why it was allowed to occur. I can guarantee they will all revolve around 'due and proper process' and not once will they say 'we stuffed up'. The same with immigration - error and we await the weasel words as an excuse.

Climate change - oh God not again. We have been down this track so many times that even I am becoming bored with the arguments. It is as plain as a pikestaff - to me anyway. However there is an article on the review page that sums up the energy production debate nicely and well emphasizes points I have been harping on about for ages. This argument is a political one and not a scientific one. The governments ideological pursuit of saving the planet is at odds with the pragmatic reality of providing the country with affordable energy supplies into the future. The fact that when all this carbon credit bollocks is bought in it will make not a jot of difference to New Zealand's carbon emissions and that at an enormous fiscal and social cost to everyone here. Yady yady ya. If you don't know all this already you are slower than a policeman in Keystone Road - the crime scene really is in Keystone Road.

I did not know that 12% of the world's power is produced by nuclear means. That is a lot. Without revisiting all the debate that was done to death last week the author on A13 puts the ludicrous 'look at Chernobyl' plea in its place. 'It is like banning cruise liners because the Titanic didn't have radar.'

I like that.

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Carbon trading/looney tunes

The day had to come when we tackled this and I had hoped I could procrastinate until Friday. However Fridays are not a good day for a half hour on the web early in the morning and we are going to have to have a look at all this carbon credits/penalties bollocks before the official announcements slated for Thursday. However Wellygogs is leaking rumours like a sieve and so I think we have a fair idea of what is afoot.

Two things. I haven't the first idea how it all works, I end up paying for it and............Three things. I haven't the first idea how it all works, I end up paying for it and, perversely, it is all good.

First thing. Not a bloody clue. If you fly somewhere you incur a carbon penalty and this is paid in money. We'll move past the why as there can be no answer to that I will accept. So who is the money paid to? The government? They seem to be in receipt of most of the money that exits my wallet so it must be them. But if a government minister flies somewhere the government pays the penalty. To the Government? Eh? As the money is going to be used to plant trees (I think) perhaps the money doesn't go to the Government at all but goes straight to Kings Plant Barn. But if I give money to Kings Plant Barn for a corokia or something (and I have bought some of these recently - SWMBO told me to) the GST component goes to the Government. So if our Dear Leader flies to London she buys $270 (going carbon penalty for a jaunt to Europe apparently) worth of bedding plants but doesn't really because she gives herself back the GST component. Maybe. And that's just the easy version. Apparently there is a carbon penalty for staying in a hotel. You get charged for lying in bed?

Who in their right mind could have thought of all this crap? The answer is no one in their right mind could have as they are all barking. A coterie of bureaucrats awash in recreational pharmacology has sat down and invented all this. And the aim of it all is to achieve something that is impossible. Who could be so daft as to believe a word of it? A majority of the country apparently - beyond my comprehension.

Second thing. Who is going to pay for all this crap? The Government, right? Wrong. You and I are going to pay for this because it will just come out of the tax take. Situation normal

Third thing. I am all for it because it is so obviously an election lead balloon that the sooner it is put in place the better. Mr Joe Average Middle New Zealander has currently had his mortgage repayments pushed through the roof because of the looney fiscal policy in the country. He is pissed off with an arrogant all controlling Government that tells him how to bring up his kids, how fast to drive, what colour fluoro jacket he must wear when changing a light bulb and generally want to control his every waking hour. Next comes all this carbon bollocks that has already been slated to put up the price of petrol and electricity. He'll love that. But there's more. Because the price of energy is going up the poor people will have to be subsidised and Mr Joe Average Middle New Zealander will pay for that as well. He not only pays for the increase in his own power bills but slips a lazy twenty in the mail box of the family on the DPB down the road. Goody goody. Now he is told he will pay the carbon penalty for Government ministers to fly round the world on various official junkets.

Excellent. Helen supplies the coffin and the nails - bring your own hammer.

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Out of Marmite

I am going to contact the Herald's subscription office today and see if I can have my arrangements changed from a six day subscription to a five day one. I am buggered if I am going to pay for the Monday edition. Today is worse than usual.

There is an opinion piece bleating about development. A woman (I think) prattles on about a motel being expanded in Epsom. Epsom is an urban part of the country and urban places are just that - 'of, pertaining to, or designating a city or town'. Motel is old and small but adequate for the populaton and traffic of the sixties or seventies (guessing here) when it was built. It is now forty years later and things have changed - there is no economic sense in just putting a lick of paint on a facility that is no longer adequte for the use that has evolved for it. Build a bigger one on the same footprint. Town planning 101 would tell you that to meet this requirement the z axis will have to be enlarged. This means the new building would have to be taller and this can be achieved by putting the extra stories underground or putting them up in the sky. I hope I'm not going too fast for you here. I am a reasonably well travelled bloke and have stayed in hotels worldwide. I have been billeted on the twelth floor, the fiftieth floor but I am yet to lay my head on the pillow in B46. That is how you do it; to make buildings bigger they become taller - upwards. Oh no, not in Epsom. The world must remain one of villas on quarter acre sections arranged down sleepy leafy avenues. Nimby to the max. Get over it woman. We, and this includes you, no longer live in the world portayed on the lids of chocolate boxes. The Haywain was painted in 1821 and I have it on good authority that the cart is no longer in the river.

The Green pages reach a new low with a quarter page devoted to how you must select garden furniture in a eco-friendly way. I didn't read it. All this tosh is rounded out with the usual Monday fare of an ersatz Society Photogapher's page near the back. The whole paper is mind numbingly facile and should be reported to the trade descriptions wallahs. It in no way resembles a newspaper. If Fairfax think I am going to pay for this drivel they have another think coming.

On a more serious note, where is the English food shop in Brown's Bay? I purchased a jar of Our Mate (proper English Marmite has this apellation in NZ for trademark reasons) in Woolworths and it will last me to the end of the week - tops. I need half kilo jars and I need them urgent like. I will not be held responsible for my actions if I can't find bulk Marmite supplies pretty bloody sharpish.

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Zaoui - over at last

I had heard rumour that there was a picture about that proved our state secrets are not as safe as the headmistress would have us believe. But maybe that was all it was - a rumour.

Such is the world of the spooks; rumours, counter rumours, half truths and meeting under the clock at Victoria station with a carnation in your buttonhole and a rolled up copy of the Times under your left arm. NZ's chief spook was on public view giving Ahmed Zaoiuiioiaai a day to remember. Next to him with an elfin grin as wide as a mile was the only lawyer in the world who goes to court in the morning and does play-doh in the afternoon. If Deborah Manning is a day over twelve I'm a Frenchman. Qui est un gagneur? Sorry. Who's a winner in all this sorry mess which has been ended with wall to wall compromise?

1) Zauiioeiuaii - obviously.

2) Room 2 at Manning's kindie - equally obviously.

3) The government - definitely. Labour wanted this affair dragging on like a hole in the head. The last thing they wanted was to have to deport this bloke in an election year. Imagine the publicity Comrade Keith and his lot would have drummed up if the goons had to go and drag Ahmed to the airport. There would be human shields, people chaining themselves to railway tracks, singing of 'We shall not be moved' and 'Cumbaya', bad beards and body odour all over the show. Messy, messy, messy and not allowable. The conclusion that this decision from the SIS didn't really come from left field but was suggested by a political master is very hard to avoid. Just remind me who is the Minister for the SIS.

4) Every other Zaioiuaiauui look alike who is wondering on which flight he should tear up his passport. Yup. If the idea behind all this nonsense from the SIS was to persuade the world's ne'er do wells that the People's Republic of Aoteoroa was not a soft touch the outcome has done just the opposite. Stick it out and you are home free. It won't even cost you any money. The stupid taxpayers of New Zealand will fork out $3 mil to ensure you get what you want. Daft. If AZ was a risk when he arrived (and apparently he was) the passage of time bolstered by a soft immigration policy that insists on fairness (bad stuff) and endless appeals (even worse stuff) has led us to yesterday. What is wrong with an immigration policy that goes something like this? 'You have flushed your passport down the aircraft dunny so you will go back from whence you came' 'But I don't want to and I am in danger if I return to Luton' 'Tough - sod off. Gate 13 is first on the left'. Works for me.

5) The tax payer - no way Jose. In addition to the $3 mil, we are presumably in the gun for shedloads more to support the imminent arrival of the Zauoiuiiuoii whanou.

Still the New Zealand taxpayer is better off than McLaren. Can you imagine being fined US$100,000,000? They are presumably only being stung for that amount in the belief that they can pay it. Different world from the one I move in.

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Jerry Collins' hair

RH is correct - RMA compliance for an outside dunny. Big projects are a goneburger unless we vote in some people who are prepared to put four million volts through the current way of thinking of things - everythings.

I almost feel sorry for Damien O'COnnor - almost. But he is reaping the rewards (sic) of choosing to throw his hat in with a venomous serpent. He could have remained on the West Coast farming and playing rugby but he decided to better himself by becoming an MP under the Headmistress's patronage. All fine and dandy while things are in the middle of the fairway but as soon as you wander off into the rough just see what the woman's wrath will do for you. Pictures of him in the paper coming through Auckland Airport looking like a reasonable enough sort of a cove - open neck shirt, designer jeans and a blazer. He might as well have been wearing an orange jump suit. As john Armstrong has pointed out, he is on death row and they will strap him to the gurney at the Witch's pleasure. She is toying with him for her own ends (pleasure?).

Why would any bloke willingly put himself through such humiliation? It's his own fault; he got too close to the damned woman. You play with fire getting within a hundred metres of her. Just look what putting his signature in a book next to hers has done to Peter Davies. Her demeanour over declining O'Connor's txt msge resignation (what a total farce) has been chilling. The icy arrogance of someone who has total control over someone else (and both of them know it) is at once wondrous and terrifying to behold. My dislike for the woman is growing at an exponential rate - if that were possible.

A foreign government is after New Zealand's state secrets. Yeah right. What are they looking for? Pavlova recipes? The address of Jerry Collins' hairdresser? DPB application forms? Perhaps they are after our defence secrets. I'm sure the best place to look for those would be the Imperial War Museum and that is in London. Bloody Helen fronts up wearing her SIS hat (all secret squirrel stuff is always surrounded by undefined acronyms - MI5, CIA, SPECTRE, UNCLE etc) and with her grave face on (she doesn't have any other) reassures us, the great unwashed, that there is no chance of the President of China turning up at the next international conference with the top half of his coiffure dyed blond.

I'll sleep easier in my bed tonight.

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Irrelevant in the world

Pop over to Sydney today and what would you see? The Harbour Bridge? Yep but from a distance. The Opera House? Yep but again from a distance - Antipodean version of the Berlin Wall has been installed by all accounts. The Manly Ferry? Sure to be around. But for another tourist attraction that will only be on view for a few days you will see a country making a complete dick of itself. Not many people will notice and less will care.

APEC hasn’t really got up to flying speed and New Zealand is already being shown to its seat at the back behind the column just next to the Gents. Our true place in the world order is being rammed down our throat. No one cares what we think. The world is wearing one of those hats with the corks dangling off the brim to keep the NZ flies at bay. In addition to all this irrelevance we are exposing our brand of politics to the ridicule it so richly deserves.

MMP New Zealand style is a mess and the world can see this if they can be bothered to look. We had the spectre of our ‘Foreign Minister’ rebutting questions about a trade deal with China because Goof is the bloke handling that. ‘But you’re the Foreign Minister’ ‘You must ask Phil Goof about foreign trade matters’ What an embarrassing joke.

But it gets worse. The pursuit of a fairyland ideology in the grown ups pragmatic real world is about to be exposed for the disaster that this sort of posturing always is. What two planks of policy does New Zealand hold up as making us iconically Kiwi? I suggest our nuclear free at all costs stance would be one and our clean green image the other.

The former has transformed itself into a religion of the looney left. All nuclear power plants are built with technology that hasn’t changed since the late 1940’s. Chernobyl is the role model for all things that have even a touch of fission in them. Any nuclear power plant is really a clandestine nuclear bomb factory. If you even say uranium you start to glow in the dark and sprout an extra hand out of the middle of your forehead.

The clean green bit has morphed from tourist pictures of Milford Sound into this carbon neutral bollocks that the Headmistress thinks is such a wonderful thing. She even dreams it might get her re-elected. We are going to be world leaders in carbon neutrality because all that comes from the UN (and in particular their IPPC) is regarded in the same regard as utterances from the Oracle of Delphi. The IPPC says carbon neutrality is a good thing. Anything this political trouble maker says is gospel because a) it is from the UN and Helen worships the UN (looking for a job there in the future some would say – they deserve each other) and b) the IPPC is an animal that suits SWMBO’s purpose. The IPPC says global warming is caused by carbon dioxide and so it must be true, There is no evidence for this but why let that get in the way of a good political wheeze.

So far so good but now here comes the tricky bit. You have to put the two together; no nuclear power and carbon neutrality. We are all going to need more energy in the future. I think even the member for Cambodia might grudgingly acknowledge this. The IPPC say that using fossil fuels for this is evil and so we must look at nuclear power. What? Nasty, ‘orrible, dangerous nuclear power? Yep – that. ‘Right you are’ say the pragmatic countries of the world – trifling nations like the USA, China, Russia and yes, even Australia. ‘Sounds good to us – this global warming is all bollocks but if it is an expedient way of flogging nice safe modern nuclear power plants to the great unwashed we’ll be in like robber’s dogs.’

But where do Helen, Goof and Winnie go from here? One of the gods in the temple (the IPPC) says go and buy yourself a nuclear power station and the other god in the temple (we will be nuclear free until hell freezes over) says buy a nuclear power plant and the sky will fall in. What to do?

Winnie’s ploy is easy, go to the pub. The other two are not going to take a blind bit of notice of what he says so he might as well make an early start on the frosty foamers. But what of Her Indoors and Goof? Laud the merits of wind power? Howls of derisive laughter from Beijin. Tidal power is really good? Moscow wets its pants. Geothermal works really well? Rotorua (a suburb of New York) is carried from the room on a stretcher.

I can just imagine Goof walking up to the delegation from China (representing over billion people you will recall) clutching a windmill and asking them if they wouldn’t mind stopping building a coal fired power station every ten days because we (and don’t include me in this we) don’t like it. A polite version of the reply would be ‘Go and indulge in sex and travel’. I suppose he could crawl back under the door and ask if they would like to buy some West Coast coal.

It looks as though the headmistress and Goof will try and get the communiqué on global warming watered down to not mention nuclear power at all or only put it in 6 point type. And the reaction of the rest of the real world to this will be? ‘Go away you silly, irrelevant country‘, ‘It’s way past your bedtime’ or ‘Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries’ would be good guesses. The communiqué will be issued in the form the real countries want and Helen and Goof will be left to try and spin their way out of a diplomatic face full of omelette.

I’m a bit like a cracked record on this I know, but this government’s refusal to recognise that we do not live in an undergraduate political science assignment that has to be marked by Trotsky will be the ruin of us. Wake up you dozy buggers and get rid of this mob. They are incompetent and make us look silly when we go out into the big boy’s world.

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Safety week

Theresa Gattung and Bloody Sue Bradford make the papers this morning. Both physically very unattractive but all similarities stop right there. I am astonished that one (very small) country has a diverse enough gene pool to produce two so radically different versions of the female of the species. One has an attitude to life that should be an inspiration to those who want to make their mark on the world and one has an attitude to life that should be illegal. I'll leave it to you to pin the tail on the donkey.

Vide supra and the comments on how much of my money the Government wearing its various hats throws at New Zealand's advertising agencies - and it does this without my permission.. How much would a full page ad in the Herald cost? They charge $44.81 +GST per column inch for a full colour ad and this attracts a premium of 15% if you want to specify the page on which it appears. What government department spending money that isn't theirs could resist the extra 15%. OK, a newspaper page is six columns across each of which is 50cm long so that gives us 300 column inches. Time for the sums. 300 X 44.81 = 13,443. Add your 15% for premium placement and we are at 15,460. Add the GST and a full page, well placed ad in the Herald in full glowing colour will set you back $17,292.50.

And what have I just bought for a tad over seventeen grand? A full page ad from ACC celebrating the achievements some bird who makes sure granny has a handrail in her kitchen during the day and returns home at night to provide a safe environment for her three children. We are invited to applaud this paragon of the virtues of safety. We are asked to gaze in wonderment at the way she dishes out the non slip slippers, gasp in awe as she turns the saucepan handles away from the centre of the kitchen. We have to applaud as she places safety triangles around herself before embarking on a spot of high dusting. Just look at the way she adjusts her husband's (sorry, partner's) safety harness before he stands on a chair to change a light bulb. Behold the cut of the children's fluoro jackets as they put the cat out. Why do we get all this? We get it because we are in the middle of New Zealand Safety Week.

Remind me to be on the Cheaspeake testing boats this time next year.

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Government ads & dead rockers

Never any time when you want it. Much that merits mention this morning but the constraints of time dictate that this must be brief.

My loathing of the Headmistress reaches new and unimagined heights day by day. John Palmer has quite rightly given her a shelling for breaking a commercial confidence agreement re the Aussie Troops on Air New Zealand planes. The fact that she ignores commercial probity for the sake of scoring cheap political points is loathsome but not surprising. Why should she let the pragmatic business of making money get in the way of her ideological pursuit of continuing power? She has never done it in the past why should she start now? Worse is her instant recourse to the teflon when people start to criticise her. It was she who made the statements that prompted Downer to say that Ocker troops will never fly Air NZ again (thereby causing a great loss in revenue) but when quizzed about it she flicks the questions off by saying it is a matter between the Aussies and the Shareholding Minister (History Boy) and all queries should be fired at him. She is a truly hideous collection of amino acids.

Domestic violence. I have steered away from this but does anybody really think that pouring $14 million into an advertising campaign is going to do anything except swell the bottom line of advertising companies? I mean is there anyone who doesn't know that there is a spot of domestic violence afoot and that it is a bad thing? This less than surprising intelligence has been promulgated throughout the land courtesy of court reporters over the last few months and the flood information is likely to flow unabated for the foreseeable future thought the same means. And we don't have to pay for it. The government's response to any perceived problem is to run an advertising campaign. These are expensive but it gives the impression they are doing something. It is all mouth and trousers; it looks as if something is happening. In fact of course this money should be directed to low profile places where it will be spent on actually achieving something. But that don't garner votes do it?

This country has campaigns for everything. Drunk driving, smoking, food safety, don't go up ladders, speeding, get ready for a tsunami - the list is endless. I would like to know how much of the nation's advertising budget is spent by the government - I bet it is an awful lot more that Coca Cola, Ford and Fisher & Paykel combined. And it achieves nothing except make the government appear to be doing something about something. People still smoke, drive fast and/or drunk, eat fatty foods and will continue to do so. And next we will be getting traffic light stickers on food. Give me strength.

An article which promised much but under delivered mightily concerns rock stars who die young. Now we are talking but what a fizzer. Dreadfully incomplete list of people who spectacularly left the planet awash in recreational pharmacology and vomit. Heroes of youth who stuffed it up big time - but only just. Hendrix, Joplin and Vicious get a mention but where are Jim Morrison, Keith Moon or Bryan Jones? This should be a long and glorious list not a short and glorious one. Something that I did not know though was that Kurt Cobain played the guitar left handed. He joins Hendrix, McCartney, Iggy Pop, Paul Simon and Dick Dale to mention a few. (Dick Dale is odd amongst those that he not only plays it left handed but upside down - doesn't even bother to restring a right handed axe)

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Disappointment

Mike Moore a great disappointment this morning. In fact the whole world is a great disappointment; there is absolutely nothing going on at all.

The protest up in Northland over the sealing of the road to Cape Reinga is notable mainly for the repetitive nature of it all (yawn) - and the fact that all the protesters are wearing fluoro safety jackets. If you haven't seen reports of this it is absolutely marvellous; there is safety orange and yellow as far as the eye can see. I did see a middle aged woman very close to a large digger and she wasn't wearing a hard hat. What the hell is the looney protest industry coming to. If one of them gets sconed by a bucket how will they be able to bludge compensation out of my tax dollar if they weren't wearing a hard hat at their place of work. Because that is certainly what it is - they don't seem to do any other work other than make a nuisance of themselves.

I see the All Blacks finally did some work yesterday. They have called a halt to collecting silly hats (good day for this yesterday - they scored a red beret and a daft schoolboy cap complete with tassel)and they went training. Well they all did except Keith Robinson who has strained his calf during a brisk stroll to the breakfast buffet. 'Teak hard' Keith has managed to keep himself fit enough for twelve AB runons since 2002 - If I were Troy Flavell (which mercifully I am not) I would be making sure I knew where my passport was.

Larry WIlliams had enough excuse to have the Member for Cambodia on his show last night with this Iranain plonker conning bail out of the Government. Urine was extracted (it really is like taking candy off a baby) in usual fashion and all is well with the world. 'So this chap will not necessarily be stoned to death the moment he passes through Iranian Customs?' 'Well no he may not, but as a convert he will be mercilessly persecuted and may even be called rude names. As he is a fellow opressed minority I must show him my solidarity in the face of the forces of imperlalism.' Back in your cell Keith.

Maybe something will happen today.

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