Thailand

Now I've been to Thailand, on many occasions in fact, and it is a place that I and most other people go to for a holiday. A particular sort of holiday. I went sailing there a few times, took the family to Phuket to lie on the beach, spent the evenings eating very good and very cheap food (crayfish for $2 a cubic metre, that sort of thing) and, I have to admit, bought truck loads of knock off Lacoste polo shirts which I still wear in the garden nearly twenty years later. Some people go to Thailand on business and some go for reasons they prefer not to discuss in polite company. All of the above is attendant with no danger whatsoever as long as you discount the cheap shirts running in the wash. The Thais are a very pleasant people as long as you don't try and pat them on the head or badmouth the king - the latter is a very bad thing to do as an Aussie journalist is finding out to his cost - and will do anything to help you out.

However bits of Thailand are not downtown New York. The infrastructure despite the flash looking airport (which is where this going, obviously) is most part third world. If you want more power for your house you just stick a pair of jumper leads onto your neighbour's power pole. They have a mostly peaceful protest that shuts the airport for a week and what is the consequence? Well a lot of tourists are stuck. Are they in danger? No. They are inconvenienced - quite a bit in some instances. But the bottom line is that they would have to find somewhere to stay (cheap) and exist on crayfish at $2 a cubic metre for a few days whilst waiting for things to settle down.

Or if they really have to be back at work as a captain of industry in Palmerston North they could arrange to take a bus to Phuket or Haadyai or somewhere and get a plane home from there. Or they could take a train to or Kuala Lumpur or Singapore and fly from there. They could pay for this with money (theirs) and try and claim from travel insurance later. You take a holiday in a largely third world country and you take a few risks in the infrastructure department - them's the breaks.

What you don't do is bleat and expect the bloody government to fly you home. You are not in any danger and don't need protection from our rump of military might. It has nothing to do with the gummint. Tough bananas - you went overseas, you look after yourself. The fact that the best we could do was to send a Hercules is besides the point. The air force has two 757s which are apparently being serviced (at the same time - eh?) in Mobile, Alabama. Why? I thought Air New Zealand were 'world leaders' in servicing aircraft.

Suppose I am stuck in Dairy Flat and all my cars are broken down. Do I demand as a right an Iroquois be sent from Ohakea to take me to work?

Harden up you soft sods. You are stuck in Bangkok for a week and if you can't work out for yourself an alternative way of getting home other than that prescribed by the letter by House of Travel then you stay in Bangkok. Just buy a few more shirts as your current ones get smelly - they are very cheap.

I hear that this morning that the Bangkok airport has reopened and would you like a glass of orange juice or champagne before we take off?

Tweet

End of the world - update

0930 Phone call on the iPhone from the Vodafone wallah - 'Wire had come adrift in the box at the end of your road, squire. All fixed.'

1300 Return home to an answer phone message from the same bloke to the same effect.

1301 Discover that he is not telling porkies and all phone lines and Internet are working.

1335 TXT from Vodafone saying if I have any problems, do not hesitate to contact them

I am not alone in being swift to lambast appalling service so a bit of credit where credit is due. Vodafone tend to get more than their share of bad press but not from me today. Good stuff. I phoned them up to thank them for prompt and efficient service. I think it quite wrong footed the girl at the help desk.

Tweet

The end of the world as I know it

Writing this from the computer in the fields as the status quo at home has gone all awry.

Got home yesterday arvo to find I had no Internet. This is not possible. It is like trying to live without oxygen - and after eighteen hours I am already fed up with holding my breath. A little amateur electronic sleuthing on my part has identified the problem. One of the two phone lines onto the property has gone tits up. By some clever legerdemain all 'out' calls are diverted by default to the fax line if the latter is not being used. This enables us still to receive calls on the primary number using 'call waiting' if some one is phoning out. The data for the ADSL uses the same line. Or something. Anyway it ain't working The secondary line (or is it the primary?) is still working. I went to the powder room (which contains no powder at all) to quickly switch the data to the working line but thought better of it when confronted with all the switching gear. There are more Ethernet cables and phone jacks disappearing into black boxes replete with flashing LEDs than you can wave a stick at. 'Don't touch' something inside me said and it was right.

Onto Vodafone who will fix it 'within 24 hours. We will inform you by TXT (of course) as to the details of the fix'. Well, Mr V, you've got five and a half hours and counting.

My wife tells me not get all grumpy because we used to have no Internet at all and we survived. Well I used to wear flared trousers and have a dreadful haircut; that doesn't mean I want to do it again.

Tweet

Edison lives on

The pragmatic blokes who seem to be still doing what the said they would are at it again. The Government today announced that they will reverse the ban on incandescent light bulbs that was due to come into effect next October. This was one of the dafter of Labour's save the planet bollocks. The replacement piggy's tails jobs are just 'orrible. As I have already mentioned I had started hoarding the original tried and true Thomas Edison jobs and I suppose I could now have a garage sale of them.

As an added bonus to this welcome bit of pragmatism she in the need of Botox and tooth whitening has come out in all her hand wringing and whingeing splendour to announce that she and the Greens are unhappy with the decision. I'll tell you what, Ms Fitzsimons, no one gives a rat's arse what you think. By telling us all prior to the election that you wanted nothing to do with a National Government should one be elected you have consigned yourself to a position of total and utter irrelevance. You've made your bed now lie in it. How do you fancy a ride in my supercharged V8? A trip around my private Toshiba nuclear power plant? Sell you 40 litres of diesel, cheap like? A T-bone steak perhaps?

Stupid woman

Tweet

Too good to last

Back to earth with a bump - pardon the pun. A coroner somewhere has opined that he thinks it would be a good idea for tractors to be fitted with safety belts and that wearing of same should be mandatory. This after a bloke who was smoking dope rolled a tractor down a 18 degree slope (one in fiveish in old money) and ended up being crushed by the John Deere. Had he been wearing a 'safety belt' his chance of leaping from the vehicle if he had not been too stoned to think it was a good idea would have been zero. Coroner obviously not seeing the elephant in the room.

Has this coroner not heard. All this bollocks finished on November 8. We don't talk like this any more. Nanny State is no more, caput, gone bye byes. All calls for seat belts on office chairs will fall on deaf ears. Seat belts on horses? Forget it. Restraints on pogo sticks - no show. Endless rules to make our lives totally risk free is so last year.

I have a very nice 20 year old Shibaura SE4000. 42 horse power of Japanese agricultural grunt and wonderment. It drives a sodding great 3 rotor park mower off it's PTO and is used on flat ground. As it has been orchardised (lowered, small fat wheels) it has a top speed in 4/3 gear of about 15kmh. It is driven exclusively on my private property which is paid for and owned lock stock and shelter belt by me. If any numpty official comes along to tell me to wear a seat belt whilst cutting the front lawn I will mow him down - literally.

Get into 2008, Mr Coroner. The days of stupid unenforceable safety ideas like your hair brained scheme are gone.

Tweet

Now this is better already

I haven't found cause to put finger to keyboard for over a fortnight and, to be honest, there is no real reason so to do now. I thought that finding things to write about would be harder after the fall of Helengrad and I was right. In a way this is a little disappointing as it means that all I wanted to scribble about was the negatives of life and not the positives. I am probably not alone in this as a lot of people voted for the current administration not because it was John Key and his mob but because it was not Helen, History Boy and their mob.

However there is a palpable change in mood in the country over the last fortnight or so. And this despite the fact that we are at the door of a truly horrible economic short to medium term future. Indeed we have probably already crossed the threshold. It is an absolute delight not to have the mainstream media dominated by the droning and controlling utterances of the commie rainbow eco nuts who have blighted the landscape for nigh on a decade.

I prevailed on Mrs Obald to miss the first half of Shortland Street last night so I could watch Sainsbury interview Rodney Hide over the idiocy of the building codes and the RMA. Both were wearing those ghastly garish chalkstripe suits when jeans and a tee shirt would have been just fine but no matter. This will be good I thought. We will have a story about bureaucracy gone nuts and then the Minister will justify what we have just seen with loads of hand wringing and tosh about safety and stakeholders. Well we got the silly story - a couple in fact. One about a bloke who wanted to put an extension on his house with building costs coming to $7000 and compliance and permit costs coming to $2700. Then there was a bloke telling us all that an outside dunny on DoC land required eight building inspections before anyone could use the super soft toilet paper. Over to the Minister for Stuff Like This. Justification? Nope, none of that. Words to the effect 'This is nuts and I will get rid of it. It took decades to build up such a structure of bureaucratic nonsense but I will take a chainsaw to it in no time at all.' Now this is more like it.

Meanwhile our proper Prime Minister is overseas. Not holding high profile press conferences that are all photo opportunity and no substance but head down and poncho covered bum up doing things. New kid on the block at APEC and he told them to pull finger and do something about trade and not just bloody talk about it. I like the cut of his jib. I just hope he has the intestinal fortitude to carry on in this 'business' way of running the country and not be dragged kicking and screaming back into the 'political' way of doing things that were so precious to the disastrous mob he has replaced.

And speaking of them.... Well no one is. Yesterday's news is today's fish and chip paper. Who has heard anything of Dear Leader, History Boy, the Member for Cambodia and all the other wastrels who would have us believe that they were so bloody important to our even drawing breath but three short weeks ago? They have quite rightly been consigned to the garbage - not, I hasten to add, the recycling. The world has moved on thank God. Your old way of doing things is so yesterday. Piss off, the pragmatists have arrived.

Tweet

Now what?

Three days now and there is nothing left to take the piss out of. I can't pretend to be anything but delighted with the results of Saturday's little contest. John Key as Prime Minister at the head of a National Government with more of an Act presence than I had hoped for to put lead in JK's pencil. Labour consigned to opposition for at least three years. My two least favourite people on the planet falling on their swords. Winston Peters and his useless party consigned to the rubbish tip of history. The Greens neutered by increasing their number of parliamentary seats. No, a very satisfactory outcome.

But what does the future hold for the above mentioned wastrels. I don't really care to be honest. Dear Ex Leader today took up the Foreign Ministry portfolio. Well that's going to last isn't it? It's like having the Bentley taken away and being very content to drive the Corolla for the next three years. She'll use the copious quantity of air miles that come with the job to find herself a nice cushy overseas number I'll be bound. History Boy. I care even less what happens to him. Labour have ushered in the bright new future with a leader and Deputy (The Goof and the Dental Nurse) with 51 years of parliamentary experience between them. Glad they didn't use the old guard for the New Look.

Winston Raymond Peters, who was harder to kill than Rasputin, seems to have finally have had the stake put through the heart. Three years till he can make another tilt at it by which time 80% of his supporters will have died. The only places I can see him cropping up are in IRD enquiries or Courts of Law.

The Greens. Old Botox face was waxing lyrical on Saturday night about how their position had been strengthened with more seats in the house. Bollocks. They may have more MPs but they are ersatz members who can do nothing. The Greens now have as much influence as to the course the country takes as a fart in a thunder storm. They are irrelevant and it couldn't happen to a nicer mob. They are paying the price for being watermelons. All credentials as a green party are gone. They are communists in drag more interested in social engineering than whale saving. Sue Bradford has as many 'green' credentials as the CEO of Exxon. Unless they get rid of the aforementioned harridan, The Member for Cambodia and Russell Norman they will vanish.

I must say that three days out my feelings are still those of relief that it is all over. I trust JK (hear that Helen, you evil woman?) and just am happy that the Electoral Finance Act will be repealed; there will be no food commisar, or whatever he was to be called, telling me what I can put in my fridge. The continuous procession of other similar controlling drivel we have been fed over the last nine years will now stop. A razor gang (and wouldn't Roger Douglas be the perfect head honcho for that) is about to walk through the Civil Service. I am delighted that the new PM has a wife (female and looks it) with whom he lives in the same house. They have two kids who look like normal teenagers; the daughter even has the appalling dress sense that only teenagers can have. I am looking forward to the country being run by a normal bloke - or as my wife puts it 'We now have a proper Prime Minister'.

However I am under no illusion that a lot of the evil done to the country over the last nine years will be undone as it should be. We won't get the Privy Council back. There will be no return of knighthoods. The antismacking bill will not be repealed. Prostitution will not be recriminalized. Same sex civil unions won't be given the flick. I doubt the drinking age will be raised - and so on and so forth. But at least the rot has been stopped in its tracks. I hope its not too late in places where it really matters - like education.

No, I just have to wait and see what happens now. Blogging has just become a lot harder. A faint glimmer on the horizon. Rodney has started talking about ditching the Emissions Trading Scam which is, of course, the only thing to be done with it. Mr Nice has said that there will be an ETS of some sort. A little soupcon of conflict in this new world viewed through rose coloured right of centre glasses perchance?

Tweet

Thank God for that

Tweet

Obama

Watched bits of Obama's victory speech to his adoring throng on the telly last night - how could you avoid it, it was everywhere. Give the man his due he is a very, very polished act in the oratory department. I haven't heard a speech giver like that for many a moon - good stuff. I'm not talking of the content here (more of this later) but the 'product' is superb. He's young (well younger than me so he's really young), handsome and generally well turned out. I like the fact he campaigns in shirt sleeves and without a tie. He has an attractive (if somewhat oddly shaped) wife and a couple of kids who don't pick their nose in public. He really looks the business. Yesterday we witnessed an extraordinary event - something that is being likened to a handful of world forming days in history.

A black man is elected President of the United States only forty years or so after the civil rights movement was at its peak. Momentous stuff indeed. I was only nine when JFK got the nod and remember it not at all but I can certainly answer the 'Where were you when you heard Kennedy had been shot' question (waiting for a bus to take me to swimming with the 22nd Wimbledon Scout Troop as you ask). What else would you put with that? Man landing on the moon? (watched it on Dad's black and white telly at home) What else? Dunno. Obama getting the votes yesterday? Time will tell.

But now what? What have the US citizens voted for. A vast majority have, I suspect, voted for all of the above - the package - and that's it. There are people of various colours who genuinely believe he was born in a manger. There is a scary video on YouTube of a young black woman who really seems to think that the government will now pay her mortgage and put gas in her car. A radio station in New York conducted interviews a few days ago asking people why they were voting for Obama. All said it was because of his policies and not because he was the sharp looking black dude. The reporter then asked which policy they particularly liked - leaving troops in Iraq, choosing Sarah Palin as running mate or any of the other McCain policies. To a one they all picked on one of the opposition's platforms as the real reason they were going to vote for the sharp .......

We shall see. The Obama machine and especially the charismatic main man has cracked himself up to be a hard act to live up to. I hope he performs. I'm not too sure I agree with all things he says he is going to perform but he's got the votes lets see what he can do. I also hope he doesn't get himself shot.

As an aside look at both the victory speech from Chicago and the loser's effort from Phoenix. All class. Compare and contrast the drivel we have to put up with in New Zealand. If and when the Wicked Witch gets the bum's rush on Saturday do we expect anything other than the spitting of bile and vitriol as she drags her sorry backside from Government House?

Tweet

Ban it

David Farrar at Kiwiblog is made of sterner stuff than me. He has been through all the published Green Party Policy Statements (I would prefer to spend an afternoon sticking pins my eyes) and come up with the complete list of things they want banned. Ready?
.
.
.
.
.
1. Ban fizzy drinks from schools
2. Ban fuel inefficient vehicles
3. Ban all gaming machines in pubs
4. Ban the GCSB
5. Ban violent TV programmes until after 10 pm
6. Ban feeding of antibiotics to animals that are not sick
7. Ban companies that do not comply with a Code of Corporate Responsibility
8. Ban ACC from investing in enterprises that provide products or services that significantly increase rates of injury or illness or otherwise have significant adverse social or environmental effects
9. Ban commercial Genetic Engineering trials
10. Ban field testing on production of GE food
11. Ban import of GE food
12. Ban Urban Sprawl
13. Ban non citizens/residents from owning land
14. Ban further corporate farming
15. Ban sale of high country farms to NZers who do not live in NZ at least 185 days a year
16. Ban the transport by sea of farm animals, for more than 24 hours
17. Ban crates for sows
18. Ban battery cages for hens
19. Ban factory farming of animals
20. Ban the use of mechanically recovered meat in the food chain
21. Ban the use of the ground-up remains of sheep and cows as stock feed
22. Ban animal testing where animals suffer, even if of benefit to humans
23. Ban cloning of animals
24. Ban use of animals in GE
25. Ban GE animal food
26. Ban docking of dogs tails
27. Ban intrusive animal experimentation as a teaching method in all educational institutions
28. Ban smacking
29. Ban advertising during children’s programmes
30. Ban alcohol advertising on TV and radio
31. Ban coal mining
32. Ban the export of indigenous logs and chips
33. Ban the use of bio-accumulative and persistent poisons
34. Ban the establishment of mustelid farms
35. Ban new exploration, prospecting and mining on conservation land and reserves
36. Ban mining activities when rare and endemic species are found to present on the mining site
37. Ban the trading conservation land for other land to facilitate extractive activities on.
38. Ban the further holding of marine mammals in captivity except as part of an approved threatened species recovery strategy
39. Ban the direct to consumer advertising of pharmaceuticals
40. Ban sale of chips and lollies on school property
41. Ban any additional use of coal for energy
42. Ban fixed electricity charges
43. Ban further large hydro plants
44. Ban nuclear power
45. Ban further thermal generation
46. Ban private water management
47. Ban imported vehicles over seven years old
48. Ban the disposal of recyclable materials at landfills
49. Ban the export of hazardous waste to non OECD countries
50. Ban funding of health services by companies that sell unhealthy food (so McDonalds could not fund services for young cancer sufferers)
51. Ban healthcare organizations from selling unhealthy food or drink
52. Ban advertising of unhealthy food until after 8.30 pm
53. Ban all food and drink advertisements on TV if they do not meet criteria for nutritious food
54. Ban the use of antibiotics as sprays on crops
55. Ban food irradiation within NZ
56. Ban irradiated food imports
57. Ban growth hormones for animals
58. Ban crown agency investments in any entity that denies climate change
59. Ban crown agency investments in any entity that is involved in tobacco
60. Ban crown agency investments in any entity that is involved in environmentally damaging oil extraction or gold mining
61. Ban non UN sanctioned military involvement (so China and Russia gets to veto all NZ engagements)
62. Ban NZ from military treaties which are based on the right to self defence
63. Ban NZers from serving as mercenaries
64. Ban new casinos
65. Allow existing casinos to be banned
66. Ban promotion of Internet gambling
67. Ban advertising of unhealthy food to children
68. Ban cellphone towers within 300 metres of homes
69. Ban new buildings that do not confirm to sustainable building principles
70. Ban migrants who do not undertake Treaty of Waitangi education programmes
71. Ban new prisons
72. Ban semi-automatic weapons
73. Ban genetic mixing between species
74. Ban ocean mineral extractions within the EEZ
75. Ban limited liability companies by making owners responsible for liability of products
76. Ban funding of PTEs that compete with public tertiary institutes
77. Ban the importation of goods and services that do not meet quality and environmental certification standards in production, lifecycle analysis, and eco-labelling
78. Ban goods that do not meet quality and sustainability standards for goods which are produced and/or sold in Aotearoa/New Zealand
79. Ban new urban highways or motorways
80. Ban private toll roads
81. Ban import of vehicles more than seven years old unless they meet emission standards
82. Ban imported goods that do not meet standards for durability and ease of recycling
83. Ban landfills
84. Ban new houses without water saving measures
85. Ban programmes on TVNZ with gratuitous violence

Bloody staggering isn't it?

Lets have a look at a few. Try the ones in the forties
41. Ban any additional use of coal for energy
42. Ban fixed electricity charges
43. Ban further large hydro plants
44. Ban nuclear power
45. Ban further thermal generation

So there's the twenty first century down the dunny. No electricity except that generated by the 'save the world' tidal power plant to be moored in the entrance of the Kaipara Harbour. You know the one; the one that is untested but is the answer to all our prayers. Oh and windmills. Idiots.

Right oh, where next? Try 52. Ban advertising of unhealthy food until after 8.30 pm. Stupid but not all encompassing enough so we also have 53. Ban all food and drink advertisements on TV if they do not meet criteria for nutritious food. That's better. We decide what the 'criteria for nutritious food' are and then we will advertise them. Endless sexy packaging of lentils and carrots coming your way.

Number 58 is a ripper. 58. Ban crown agency investments in any entity that denies climate change. 'We will not invest in your company unless you swear on a stack of Bibles that man is wrecking the planet by driving around in big gas guzzling cars. And while you are at it can I bring 2. Ban fuel inefficient vehicles to your attention? You may well ask what 'fuel inefficient' means. Well that's for us to decide and you to comply with' And while we are on cars don't forget 79. Ban new urban highways or motorways and 80. Ban private toll roads.

So now we have no electricity, cannot invest our money and can't go anywhere except on a horse drawn bus. What next? 68. Ban cellphone towers within 300 metres of homes. That's all cellphone coverage in any town in New Zealand cut off at the knees. Who needs the information super highway? Down here in the Land of the Long White Cloud we'll get along just fine standing on the tops of hills with semaphore flags. Might make Internet banking a little tricky but never mind the mail clipper is due next Tuesday as long as Jim Hickey doesn't hoist a storm cone.

Right we are powerless, poor, stationary and can't communicate with anyone. What simple pleasures will be left to us? Well grafting roses is out.73. Ban genetic mixing between species. Off down to the pub to double the money we can't invest. Oh no you don't. 3. Ban all gaming machines in pubs. And don't think you can pop around the corner to try your luck in the casino 'cos it's just closed 65. Allow existing casinos to be banned. And don't go waiting for a new one to be built. 64. Ban new casinos. But there's no point trying to get more money from these banned institutions because as soon as you start the walk (there is no alternative, remember) home you will be mugged by any number of marauding bad men courtesy of 71. Ban new prisons. Self defence with an AK47 carefully concealed down the trouser leg? Sorry. 72. Ban semi-automatic weapons.

Right you get home in one piece (84. Ban new houses without water saving measures) and try to double your money in the comfort of your living room? Forget it. 66. Ban promotion of Internet gambling. Angry now so turn on the telly to vent a little spleen. Foiled again. 85. Ban programmes on TVNZ with gratuitous violence. and it's only 9.00p.m. so 5. Ban violent TV programmes until after 10 pm kicks in and you are not allowed to choose between a Heineken or a Steinlager (30. Ban alcohol advertising on TV and radio) so you settle on a Coke from little Johnny's lunch bag - but you can't even do that 1. Ban fizzy drinks from schools.

Here's one that has Keith Locke's finger prints all over it. 63. Ban NZers from serving as mercenaries Now what bloody business is it of anybody in New Zealand what you do when you are out of the country? Well it has to apply to overseas only doesn't it. I don't remember seeing too many adverts in the Rodney Times for Mercenaries to serve in Kaukapakapa who might be able to help out with a bit of fencing on Thursdays. And should you pop over to Iraq or wherever you go for this sort of thing what is Keith going to do when you come home wearing your red bandanna, cut off tee shirt, big muscles and a knife the size of a baseball bat?

And of course we have our old friend (sic) sustainableedingbility hiding in there. 78. Ban goods that do not meet quality and sustainability standards for goods which are produced and/or sold in Aotearoa/New Zealand. Note the totally unnecessary Aoteoroa slipped in there just to induce great waves of nausea.

This lot are the full Barking. God help us if they manage to get even a finger on the levers of power in a couple of weeks time. There are eighty five things in that horror list. If just one came to pass it would be too many.

Tweet

Offended - moi?

Just as I bemoan the lack of opportunity to have a good grizzle and not three hours later I get a beautiful half volley just outside off stump. Off to the the extra cover boundary you go.

Lockwood Smith committed a grave crime today. What was this, pray tell? Did he eat a baby on prime time telly? Mug an old lady with a kitchen appliance? Rob a bank? Walk on a crack in the pavement? No, far, far worse than all these heinous acts rolled into one. He offended someone. Well he didn't really but some numpty tree hugging weird beards said he did. Bollocks. Many points around this whole episode.

What did he say? We'll just focus on the Asian bit in the interests of brevity. 'Some Asians have small hands and are more suited to certain types of work which might include fruit picking.' Well I can just imagine great droves of Chinese workers casting themselves from the Great Wall on hearing that. What the hell is wrong with any of it. Do some Asians have small hands? Yes. Do a lot of Asians have small hands? Yes. Does having small hands make you better suited for some kinds of employment than if you are endowed with shovels? Yes. Is the above statement racist? No. What the bloody hell is wrong with it then? Would anyone have raised an eyebrow if he had said 'Whitey's have bloody great huge hands and are therefore much more suited to wielding a sledgehammer than Chinamen'? I don't think so. What had he said 'Chinese girls have black hair and therefore make very poor Marilyn Monroe impersonators'. Evil racist slur? I'm sure you could find a hand wringer somewhere who would find justification for a public stoning. Give me strength.

I asked my wife (who is Chinese) if she found this Lockwood Smith remark offensive. She looked at me quizzically and laughed. In fact the people I have so far heard whining about the dreadful utterance have all been severely not Asian. Even Pond Scum Bovver Boy Mallard put his hypocritical five cents in - he's the bloke who goes round thumping people who offend him you may recall. We have come to a point when this sort of harmless tosh is accepted as being offensive. We are in the middle of an election where easily the most important issue to be resolved is the world economy going tits up and how we are going to handle our little corner of it. And there are people saying there ought to be sackings for a bloke who tells the truth about the size of a chinaman's hands. Get real.

All this equality bollocks again. We all have to be the same and equal. I can't play golf as well as Tiger Woods. If you point this out to me are you being 'elitist'? Should Tiger be told to start playing off 15 to make sure I am not offended? And he's black - and Asian. Now I'm really offended. I am unlikely to have a baby. Is this sexist and should I be offended by same?

Right lets get away from the specifics and onto giving and receiving offence. Why for heaven's sake does anybody have to be saved from the dreadful fate of being offended? What is wrong with a bit of good old fashioned offensive behaviour? Offensive is good. I don't wanna talk to you no more you empty headed animal food trough wiper! I'll fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and you father smelt of elderberry!!!! Now that's jolly offensive but how good. I wish I could be so gratuitously and inventively offensive whenever the whim struck me. I'll wave my private parts at your aunties you cheesy lot of secondhand electric donkey bottom biters. That's how effortlessly offensive I would like to be.

I am going to re institute a campaign I first floated a couple of years back. I want this country to have a National 'Lets Offend Everyone We Can Find and Just See if The Sky Falls In' week. All female Chairpersons of Committees are to be called Chairmen, people of colour are to be called wogs, pakis or whatever you fancy. Overweight people are to be called fat b*st*rds. Vertically challenged people are to be referred to as short arses. People who are patently stupid are to be called stupid. Ugly people of either sex are to be told they look like the back of a bus. Posters featuring scantily clad seriously attractive females will be made mandatory when advertising power tools. Dwarf throwing contests are to be featured as Super 14 halftime entertainment. Wheelchair ramp access to bungy jumping platforms are to be closed. People you don't like are to be told their mother was a hamster (even if she wasn't). Western Springs Speedway will have a week long twenty four hour a day race meeting. All stray dogs and some cats are to be shot on site. Te Kaha and Te Mana will be ordered on a whale hunt off Little Barrier with a bikini clad (young female) TV One reporter 'embedded' as on the spot coverage. A $5 voucher off your groceries will be offered at Woolworth's for every seal pelt produced. Free napalm will be available for all those living near a mangrove swamp (a box of matches also provided). The government will give a free chainsaw to everyone who has a pohutakawa blocking their view. A fifty percent rebate will be given on the road tax for all vehicles with engines larger than four litres (extra discounts available for turbo or supercharged motors). Name suppression for any one in court will be banned and Helen Clark will open Big Boys Toys.

Tweet

Reluctantly

Twelve days without a post and I have mixed feelings about that. I enjoy putting finger to keyboard when there is something that amuses or infuriates me. One would have thought, then, that election time would be fertile ground indeed for material. And so I thought. Six weeks ago I was licking my lips at the prospect of an endless supply of subjects for ridicule.

Not the case however. I am finding the whole thing a big yawn and just wish it was all over. It is an endless procession of very predictable 'he said, she said' drivel. Not for me dissecting the minutiae of every policy announcement (not that there are many from the Labour side of the fence).

A few comments with less than three weeks to go, however.

I really cannot understand why the mainstream media are giving the government such a cushy ride over their appalling track record. Nine long years ago we were told that Labour was going to lead New Zealand to a new nirvana on the wave of a knowledge economy or some such tosh. We got a series of high profile talk fests and then nix. The result at the end of the last near decade of torture is a dreadful indictment. Our Standard of Living has slipped from 20th to 22nd in OECD. Annual labour productivity growth of 1.1% half of the 1990s and below OECD 1.8% average. NZ ranks just 25th in our ability to use innovation to develop new and unique products. Our infrastructure is a basket case but this is being upgraded with nineteenth century technology. Case in point is the power and communication side of things. We don't have enough of either. Power prices are going through the roof due to planning restrictions stopping the building of proper gas and coal powered power stations. Internet here sucks and the gummint are are extending the copper network when fibre is needed. And so it goes on. What are the great unwashed told of all this? Nuffink. All we get is endless coverage of John Key as an untrustworthy toad. Ring, ring. Kettle? Pot calling.

National are the party of secret agendas apparently. Well please. What details are we being allowed to see of the December minibudget that Labour would have to pay for the profligate lolly scramble? All these universal grants have to be paid for. Who would bet against not only rescinding of the tax cuts but tax increases in December?

Dear Leader announces the bank deposit guarantee scheme at the Launch of Labour's campaign. I just shook my head in resignation. This is what I would expect from the consummate politician. She has also sent round a pamphlet to the oldies outlining what a top job Labour has done for them over the past few years. This is apparently just legal under the gerrymandered Electoral Laws she forced upon us. Any bloody advantage even if it is blurring the margins of what is acceptable - and thus we drift into the area for which I no have interest or tolerance.

People who ring talkback radio have a vote that is worth as much as real people who have a brain. This is a pity.

I really don't want to live in a country that has Clark and Cullen at the levers of power for a further three years.

On the other hand if they are in the signal box for the next trienium they are probably gone thereafter for a very, very, long time as the prospects 2009-11 are pretty dire. Maybe it would be best if they had another go. Oh dear.

Tweet

Now ain't that the truth

From the Editorial in today's Royal New Zealand Herald

It is impossible to avoid the conclusion that Cullen offered the reductions in this year’s Budget grudgingly. He is, at heart, a man who regards higher earners as “rich pricks”, and believes those who have succeeded have somehow ripped off their fellow citizens. He and his Labour colleagues believe they know how to spend people’s money better than those who earn it. The “chewing gum” round of cuts promised before the last election and petulantly cancelled afterwards - partly because people had not been grateful enough - is evidence of that.

Tweet

Oh no you don't

The world's economies are going down in a screaming heap. I laid my global financial expertise open for all to see a couple of days ago but even to my untutored eye this is bloody bad. Apparently as bloody bad as it has been since the 1930s when you were in danger of being hit by a falling stockbroker as you walked down Wall Street. So bloody bad that National's economic policy which was released yesterday had to be modified to take account of the fact that the world is a bit short of the folding varieties. I've had a look at this policy and stroked my chin in a sage sort of a way when asked my opinion about it and said it looks OK. I don't really know, but it looks, well, OK. I don't think I gain much from it but I don't care. I don't think I lose anything and that is good enough for me. In fact it is better than good enough for me because if it all comes to pass it will mean that Labour is longer at the levers of Power.

Ah yes Labour and Dear Leader. What is their policy on all this financial shenanigans? What have they in mind to steer us through a decade (a decade no less; I'll be getting close to 70) with minimal pain and maybe even chance of improving our lot and coming out of it better than most? Well nothing actually. Steady as she goes, bosun. Nine years of 'prudent fiscal stewardship' has got us into the situation where the cupboard is bare and that is what we will continue doing. We are the ones to be trusted with your dosh, just look at what we have done with it so far. Vote for us and we'll do the same again. So don't you go worrying about the world's economy going down the plug'ole: Uncle Micky will see you right.

So that's that then. World's economy going tits up and the Government have no policy announcement. Well no. They do have a policy announcement. They are getting into your shower. That's right while Rome's coffers are burning Nero is fiddling in the shower - if you get my gist. The interfering little ratbags are not content with telling us what light bulbs we can buy. Mandating what we put in our kids lunch boxes not enough. The amount of water coming out of a shower rose is now to be legislated on. And it is to be reduced to 6 litres a minute. I don't really know what that is but it doesn't sound a lot (apparently it is about a third of what makes a really good vigorous shower now) and it is 30% less than they are allowed in Queensland where there is a drought that has been going on for years. We don't have a drought. So much don't we have a drought that this stupid government is content to leave us dependent on hydro generation of electricity. Idiots. The new regulations are couched in bureaubabble and only apply to new dwellings (only town planners talk of dwellings. You don't leave the boozer and say to your mates 'See you lads, I'm off to my dwelling' do you?) and renovations over 150 sq m. You use more water if your bathroom is jolly big?

For starters this regulation is stupid. I didn't see a provision allowing for really fat people being able to apply for a permit for an extra couple of litres per minute because they take a lot of washing. I'm sure there will be a provision demanding all registered members of athletic clubs get a lower allowance as they are in training and are really good at running around to get wet. Where is the form for getting an extra litre per minute if you've just had a big day muck spreading?

Much more importantly it is a portent of what is to come if the great unwashed (pun intended) are stupid enough to vote Labour and their Green mates (and this crap stinks of Greenness) in for another three years. This is what is important to them. Bugger the pragmatic stuff when there is bit of controlling to be done. This is the evil of these toads. This is true to type. The stupid regulations come from the Department of Building and Housing. Bye the bye their staffing numbers have increased over 500% in the last nine years. If you go to their website (and I really don't advise this as it is both very boring and vomit inducing) you will see the real culprit behind this interfering bullshit.

Sustainability. The modern touchstone that allows a warped administration to do anything it likes. I have written of this evil before but we would do well to remind ourselves of the Urban Dictionary's definition of sustainafuckingbility.

Sustainability is a lens through which to view all issues. The sustainability movement encompasses environmental justice and social justice, because one cannot be obtained without the other. It means living life to the fullest without compromising future generations' ability to do so. It respects the interconectedness of all life and acknowledges the responsibility that each person has to consider the effects that his actions have on other life forms, both living and to be born.

Well for starters it is nuts and doesn't mean anything; it also contains a word that doesn't exist - interconnectedness. It induces great waves of nausea in me. But the dangerous is bit is the first sentence. 'It is a lens through which to view all issues'. So you latch onto this bollocks and you apply it to everything. Absolutely everything. You get yourself a new hammer and everything is a nail. You get this crap engraved on a bone pendant and you walk through proper people's lives and beat them with it. This bloody government has bought this crap hook line and sinker. If you are stupid enough to go any government website you find this bollocks everywhere. If anyone questions any of their loathsome controlling legislation they play their sustainability card which in their warped view trumps even a royal flush. Sustainability is their garlic with which to protect themselves from the Dracula of commonsense and pragmatism. Dickheads.

There are rumours that there are plans afoot to ban patio heaters. I will go and buy six; no, bugger it, make it a dozen. What else have they in mind? A ban on cooked food to save the planet. Salad only Wednesdays? A ban on shaving to cut down the use of both hot water and steel? Should have a lot of female politicians worried. No more building consents for anything but nikau whares? V8 vehicular conveyances to be compulsorily traded in for bicycles at the gates of the State Bicycle Factory?

So in the interests of sustainability (and probably Kyoto and carbon neutrality - the Dept. of Building and Housing is 'committed to be on the road to carbon neutrality by 2012'. Barrrf ) the government is going to tell me how much water I am allowed to have coursing through my shower roses (plural; I have six showers) This water is collected off my roof from rain. This non government supplied water is pumped by electricity from a generator in my tractor shed. This generator is mine (even paid for) and is fueled by petrol which I buy. With money. My money - or what is left of it after bloody Cullen has taken most of it from me. So you are going to tell me how much of this water thus pumped I can pass though my showers? Well no you bloody well aren't. Sod off. Sod off from my shower. Sod off from my light fixtures. Sod off from my fridge. Sod off from my wallet. Just get the fuck out of my life altogether. You do not know how to run my life better than I do and I will not allow you to even try. My dislike of you and your all controlling ways knows no bounds.

I was collecting my daughter from the Airport a couple of weekends back when she was coming home from Wellington for a couple of days. As we were waiting by the carousel for her luggage Dear Leader who had travelled on the same plane walked past. I asked my daughter if she had a baseball bat in her case. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) she did not.

Tweet

Money

I'll lay my cards on the table straight away and outline my qualifications for talking about things monetary. I don't have any. None at all. Quite good with hard sums when it comes to calculus and quadratic equations but when it comes to the pounds, shillings and pence I'm useless. A complete blank when it comes to currency conversions; I'm a souk vendor's delight when on me hols. Couldn't manage the accounts of a Boy Scout troop. I've no idea what is in my wallet from day to day (except I know I keep my Coastal Skippers ticket in there). Went and saw Tracey for my morning caffeine fix not half an hour ago and was mortified to find that she would not take a Coastal Skippers ticket as payment for a long black as my wallet contained zero in the cash department. This total kluts status is made up of two components; a natural ineptitude and a total lack of training. I am therefore ideally placed to comment on a gent of like kind.

Bloody Cullen is a disgrace. His revelation of 'the books' yesterday should result in his being metaphorically and literally being hung from the nearest lamp post. But what do we get from the Herald this morning? 'How will National now be able to afford its promised tax cuts?'. Cullen is getting none of the rubbishing he so richly (sic) deserves for royally stuffing up the economy. Get a complete numpty running a fatally flawed ideology and this is what you end up with.

He says he has been prudent with the purse strings. Bollocks he has. He has been spending money like a drunken sailor but has been spending it on totally useless things. He has had nine years of financial good times and he has failed to grow the economy. We have had growth of 2% or there abouts for years and he stands up there in all his arrogant smarminess and crows about it. Not bloody good enough, sunshine. We should have been having growth double or triple that. You have spent my bloody money over the last nine years on wealth redistribution (out of my pocket into bloody benefits) and expanding a totally non productive bureaucracy. Apparently government suits in Wellygogs have increased by 13 acres (I like the idea of measuring paper shufflers by area) under this mob's stewardship. And just to put the icing on this particular cake he buys the bloody trainset at about three times its real worth only a couple of months back. At this time surely even the dickheads who were doing the forecasts for him could see the economy was going down in a screaming heap. Well perhaps not as the budget (only four months ago) failed to predict the abortion that was yesterday's show all.

How can National now afford its tax cuts.? Easy just do it. It can't afford them using bloody Cullen's paradigm because that has given us nine years of economic stagnation. His stupid commie idea is that the only way to swell the gummint coffers is to increase tax rates. The idiot doesn't understand that reducing tax rates stimulates the economy and hence increase tax take. Dickhead. In my time in Singapore the most I ever paid in income tax was 24%. The lowest economic growth we had during my thirteen years there was 9%. Go figure. Sure there were other factors involved like a completely different mind set from the great unwashed when it came to work ethic but the principal remains.

Key needs to come out tomorrow and change the whole playing field when it comes to running the country's economy. Sod pandering to the media. Ignore the bloody Dear Leader who this time yesterday was praising Labour's tax cuts but painting National's as evil (there is as much logic in this as most of the things she says) and just do it. Income and company tax down big time, slash the hand outs, slash the bureaucrats even more than the benefits and start behaving like a real economy not a People's Collective. And while he is at it he should hammer home the point that nine years of Cullen and his outmoded ninety fifties commie ideas has left this contry's economy absolutley rooted.

We have a chance as Key is very successful financial wallah and bloody Cullen is a failed history teacher and first rate dickhead. I'm hoping for big things tomorrow Mr Key - grow some balls.

Tweet

Michael Mouse

This is how we do it in the Peoples Republic. Any major civil engineering project we will delay like crazy before starting, delay more while we pander to the damned RMA and his mates and then build the cheapest nastiest abortion of a half solution we can find that fell off the back of a truck.

So it is with great fanfare that we hear of the solution to the carnage on the road from the bottom of the Bombay Hills to the Coromandel. SH2 past Maramarua Golf Club is an automotive killing field. 'We are going to fix it' bleat the people whose job it is to bleat such things. We have an announcement today that the new road is going to be ready early. You little bewdy. But, as always, the devil is in the detail.

Transport Agency project manager Peter Murphy (would have to be an Irishman wouldn't it?) says we are to have a 'sweeping' (terrific) two lane (I beg your pardon) road with 'ample shoulders' (sort of eighties power dresser of a road) and provision has been made to allow more "passing opportunities" over time (the final je ne sait quoi to cap off the lunacy). But there are passing lanes 'at each end'. Well whoopy do.

So let's get this straight (pardon the pun). We are replacing a bendy lethal goat track where you can't overtake with a straighter lethal goat track where you might be able to overtake at some time in the future. Terrific. And the reason we have got this joke is? The usual - lack of dosh. Or more correctly the lack of will to channel available dosh in the right direction. The initial delays were because the tenders for a proper four lane road were 'too high'. Which means they walked into the Aston Martin showroom with a the folding varieties for a Corolla and still wanted the DB9. When the guy at Independent Prestige told them to bugger off they still went and got the bloke at Albany Toyota to sharpen his pencil and we end up with the Signature Class road instead of even a brand new one - which is not as good as the one we needed in the first place. Mr Murphy even admits the new lunacy is shorter than is required as the $46 mill ran out after 3.8km and they were a few wheel barrows short of black smelly stuff to get the road to the 18th Tee.

We are destined to remain in the dark ages if we continue to build useless roads like this and then grandstand and claim them as a triumph.

Tweet

The man is a nutter

Now I don't know why I did this but I did. I was given fair warning. At least ten minutes before it went to air I was told that Winston Peters was going to be interviewed live by Mark Sainsbury. But still I watched.

First we saw Winston smirk. A totally inappropriate affect considering the circumstance. Then Sainsbury kicked off by trying to frame a reasonable sort of a stem for his first question. Well that was it and we were off into the parallel universe in which Peters exists. The man is batshit mad. The words coming out of his mouth were English but he was talking Martian. I didn't understand a word of it. We had all the usual Winston trademark tactics. 'You are defaming me', 'Now let me tell you what really happened', 'After the election you will have to resign', 'Let me read you a laundry list' and on and on and on. I don't think he actually answered a single question. He showed not a trace of contrition over the events of last night or anything someone in command of his faculties might have had a stab at. He is quite simply mad.

And people vote for this?

Tweet

Incredible, disgusting, mind numbing - all of the above

Just when I thought the behaviour of the wastrels in Wellington could get no worse Dear Leader, in particular, and History Boy have plumbed new depths. These are depths to which even I did not think they would stoop.

Clark has decided Winston is innocent and has done this without even bothering to look at the Privileges Committee report. Can't be bothered, doesn't need to as she can rely on her senior advisers on the Committee - read bloody Cullen. This is the same damned woman who in the face of the baying of everyone for Peters' head told us all we must await 'due process'. This is done and she doesn't like it so she sticks her fingers in her ears, closes her eyes and shouts Lalalalalalala' until all the nasty people go away. A majority verdict (even criminal courts now accept these) said Winston done bad but not good enough for Helen. He has been proven to have lied not once but on numerous occasions, his best excuse for anything is in the 'dog ate my homework' class, the whole world thinks is a waste of space who couldn't lie straight in bed but all we get from Her Magnificence is 'Move along, nothing to see here'. And she hasn't even looked at the evidence - no time. Too busy going through Key's share dealing records from five years ago line by line. Too busy attacking the structure of 'the process' she was so wedded to a couple of weeks back. The Privileges Committee couldn't give a fair verdict as it was politicised. Too right it was - by Cullen and his NZ First cronies deciding that Winston was innocent come what may before the proceedings even kicked off.

And the upshot of all this farce is? Winston is censured. Well whoopy do. I bet he's really, really put out by that. Gives new meaning to the concept of the damp vehicular transport voucher. The whole drawn out thing has been a charade and it has been done with my bloody money.

You could post a video on YouTube of Winston snacking on babies and Helen would still do nothing. Mrs Obald reckons Dear Leader is scared witless of Winston and I reckon she is right (she usually is). Whatever hold he has over her it concerns more than overdue library books.

I am still unsure whether Key's tactic of not standing toe to toe with the witch is going to pay off. I am sure he is morally right (don't sink to their level of dirty dealing and just get beaten by experience) but whether it is the pragmatic approach is too hard for this simple artisan to call.

We'll know on November 9th, won't we? If on that Sunday morning we are staring down the barrel of a fourth term of the Axis of Evil I shudder to think what perfidy the evil woman can foist upon us before 2011. I can't see myself being allowed to write stuff like this.

I'm starting to get a bit scared.

Tweet

iTunes 8

I make no secret of the fact that I am one of Steve Jobs biggest fans. Since I left the dark side about three years ago and consigned almost all of my computing junk from Redmond (I've kept a laptop and and old Dell just for navigation software) to a land fill I have meekly gobbled up all the hardware Cupertino can throw at me.

Obald acres currently runs a 24" Intel iMac, a 20" Power PC iMac, two G4 iBooks, an Apple TV, an Airport Extreme, three Airport Expresses, two iPods and a 3G iPhone. When my two daughters are at home you can add a couple of MacBooks to that lot. The Airport Extreme runs the WiFi network around the house; there is also an ethernet hardwired which I use for the bloody XP machines and a printer as setting up Microsoft junk on the wireless is just too hard - the Apple stuff you just turn it on and it works. The Airport Expresses stream iTunes from any of the computers to assorted stereos and powered speakers in various parts of the house. If you subscribe to the stupid theory that radio waves give you horrible diseases then don't come and visit as the house is also covered in 5.8 GHz portable phones and all the burglar alarms are Wifi. I love it.

iTunes has always served me well and with the purchase of the iPhone it grew a new leg with the Apps store. The last weekend they bought out iTunes 8. I'm a sucker for upgrades especially if the price is right, i.e. free, so I'm right into hitting the 'Upgrade Now' button. iTunes 8 came with all the usual hype about a new view for album covers - who cares?



And then there is the 'Genius' which will make up playlists based on songs you already have of a like type to the song currently playing and also recommend stuff you might like to purchase - yawn.

But it is bloody great. I've only got about 3000 songs in my library but The Genius has found some good stuff I haven't played for ages. That is not the point of course. The Genius is not there to cheer me up, it is there to sell me music from the iTunes Store. I can report it works like a charm. I'm spending dosh like a drunken sailor, it's all Steve Jobs' fault and I don't care. So far this week I have bought tracks by Jackson Browne, The Honeycombes, Al Stewart, Dire Straits and a whole album from The Hot Club of Cowtown. I might just go and buy the latest Steve Windwood Album.

If you can face the hidden future costs of something that is free it I would heartily recommend the upgrade.

Tweet

Bollocks and Hypocrisy

First we had History Boy telling the world that John Key single handedly caused the current financial meltdown in America because he once worked for Merril Lynch and now we have Dear Leader accusing him of mass murder. This is becasue if National had been in Power (a capital P for that as we are talking Helen Clark) 60 New Zealand troops would have died and be coming home in body bags.

We have the vehement peacenik of the seventies, who I have pictured below for easey reference,



a) talking bollocks and b) parading her well known hypocrisy credentials for all to see.

First the bollocks. For starters New Zealand have sent troops to Iraq. They went there after the invasion but that is when most of the US troops have died anyway. Australia sent troops and how many of them have died at the hands of the enemy? None, nil, zip, nada. A couple have died due to accidents and in fact more Aussie troops have died in training within Orstralia over the period. If Helen wants to save lives she should stop training our rump of an army and send them to war, they would be much safer. Her '60 blokes in body bags' is also mathmatical fairy stories. This is a number plucked from the sky and has no relation to anything. She says it is prorata the number of US troops who are there, or exist or something. There are numerous ways of actually doing the meaningless sums (for starters the US Military numbers 2.9 million and the NZ Military comes to 11,000) but which ever way you do it a Kiwi soldier might have sprained an ankle. In the time that JOhn Key was slaughtering our troops wholesale in the Middle East Helen Clark has sent four Kiwi soldiers to the great mess in the sky in East Timor.

The hypocrisy. As if we needed more examples from the woman who wrote the manual. This is the same woman who said this 'The Victoria Cross for New Zealand is the supreme military award for valour. This is the first Victoria Cross for New Zealand to be awarded since it was instituted in 1999. This decoration continues the tradition of the Victoria Cross previously awarded under a British Royal Warrant to members of the New Zealand military since 1860, the last of which was awarded in 1946.' This whilst grandstanding over Willie Apiata's VC which he won by saving the life of a colleague who would otherwise have died because Helen Clark sent him to Afghanistan.

Tweet

There can't be more - afraid so

We are now in fantasy land. Brian Henry appeared (well sort of, all he could manage was a video link which managed to malfunction) before the Privileges Committee and changed his story yet again. 'My client ' is now Winston (quelle surprise) and the other client has vanished into the ether. The phone calls to Owen Glenn are confirmed in time but they weren't talking about money. The fact that he (Henry) emailed his bank account details to Money Bags seconds after the phone was put down is a 'coincidence'. There was another 'phone call soliciting funds to Glenn a couple of months earlier (so therefore Winston didn't ask for the dosh) but Henry made this call from a Motel which has no 'phone records. Glenn denies this call exists. Like Henry is the sort of bloke who stays n Motels when there are perfectly good Hotels around and he would use a motel phone and not his mobile? No motel phone records? Well Telecom will have some.

This is all now in 'The dog ate my homework' territory.

There is one person in the solar system who says they believe all this unmitigated bullshit and that is Helen Elizabeth Clark. She doesn't believe it, of course, but she is so donkey deep in the whole sordid skein of fabrication that she has no alternative but to carry on. Peters will not get sacked and this must be the only country on the planet outside sub Saharan Africa where she could get away with it.

For now - November the 8th is just over the horizon. There are, however, worrying rumours about that there is a sufficient number of thickos in the great unwashed who will vote her, History Boy and the rest of their wastrels back in if they can cobble together enough other parties who are bauble obsessed.

Please no.

Tweet

Here we go - oh dear

Now that the election has been called we have started on what will be a couple of months of insufferable hypocrisy and lies on all fronts. Where to start? How about the Member for Cambodia? We (mercifully) haven't heard from this fruitcake for ages but his nasty visage rises above the level of the scum in relation to the election timed 'Lets ban gangs' call from Goof. You may recall that the Dental Nurse said this was a waste of time when last mooted a year or so back. Now that polling is just round the corner it is thought on the Ninth floor that it would be worth a vote or two but we had better not let Amalgam Girl bring it up because people might remember her previous stance on the matter. We will let Goof, from the totally inappropriate Corrections portfolio, do the work. Keith Locke then gets in high dudgeon saying it will be useless as it will drive the gangs underground. You what? How is this going to make things worse? Are they going to start doing illegal things? Are they going to form themselves into, well, gangs? What Commie Locke reckons will stop these bad men is a greater level of social service and all the other useless tosh short of a right good seeing to that his sort normally come up with. He reckons the key to the problem is making sure gang prospects have good 'career prospects'. Most of these scrotes would argue that is precisely what they are ensuring as they hold up a dairy or whatever they do when climbing the Gang ladder. Unfortunately the Greens look unlikely to be one of the political groupings that will be obliterated on 8th November.

I am unsure whether I dislike Cullen more than Clark or the other way round. It is a bit like deciding whether I dislike fried eggs more than tripe - I despise both. Cullen gets his nose in front this morning with his totally despicable comments about his favourite rich prick. Merrill Lynch has had to be bought out. Key used to (like about eight years ago used to) work for Merrill Lynch and therefore we get this 'Given his background and the fact that Merrill Lynch has just gone belly up, I would have thought New Zealanders should draw the conclusion that you wouldn’t put a man like that in charge of the New Zealand economy'.

This is as stupid as it is vidictive and nasty. Don't forget John Key left the firm many years ago. Merrill Lynch's troubles are on the mortgage side of the business whereas Key was a currency trader. He was also very good at it (hence he is a very rich prick) and his side of the business was enormously successful. As an aside Merrill Lynch has not gone belly up it has been sold for $44 billion real dollars which is an amount greater than this country's economy. And all this bile and vitriol is coming from the plonker who bought the railways for hundreds of millions more than their declared value purely for political ends.

We've got months more of this crap.

Tweet

There can't be more - surely

This shameful politics we are having to endure at the moment just gets worserer and worserer by the hour. I thought we could get no lower and Winston would get the flick today after his non display in front of the Privileges Committee last night. It was all usual Winston stuff - bluster, BS and no substance. The one piece of paper he produced was an affidavit from some bloke purportedly written on 29th August and it had the phrase 'see attached phone records' or some such. The attachment had been emailed to the writer of the affidavit on 9th September - that is eleven days after the affidavit was supposed to have been written. If it wasn't so serious it would be comical.

Right then, all sorted. Only one of the stories can be true and it doesn't look much like Winston's version has the inside running. What are you going to believe? A collection of evidence or the ramblings of a renowned bullshit artist.

Well Dear Leader has seen fit to ask History Boy what to do and the arrogant ratbag has told her that Winston has to stay. Rumours are rife that Helen is scared witless of what Winston will say if he is cut loose and goes feral. Whilst not wishing to buy into unsubstantiated tittle tattle, it must be bloody good if she is prepared to publicly stand on top of the Waitakeres and gaze out over the Tasman expecting the sunrise.

She's up there by herself.

Tweet

Slow motion train wreck

Just get it over and done with. I've had enough of this dreadful political sideshow with $100,000 here, a lying toad there and a bunch of weasel words over yonder. I've tried to avoid commenting on it as it is like knitting fog; and it makes me cross. It just seems to drag on and on. Dear Leader spends all her waking hours saying nothing and yesterday gave Winston First 'one more' chance to get their accounting in order. Why them? Everyone else who has stuffed up even a little bit has had the rozzers knocking on the door sharpish. WRP keeps saying 'wait till I reveal the facts'. He's been saying that for six weeks now. We don't believe a word you say, sunshine. Enough already.

However it appears the end may be in sight with that funny little billionaire in town. If his evidence (and there was some - real bits of paper, affidavits and the like) this arvo at the privileges committee was bad (I mean good) enough his interview on Campbell Live an hour ago was surely the final nail in a number of coffins. Not just WRP's but Dear Leader and Mike WIlliams must be reaching for the single malt about now. And did you see History Boy in the Committee this afternoon. 'Winston's brother might have picked up Winston's cellphone and pretended to be him' Pullease. Listen, you stupid git, we are not all moronic tossers who will swallow any old BS you deem fit to throw our way.

We are so over you and all your lying mates. We've had to put up with you for nine long bloody years whilst you've told us what to do. We've sat here in ovine mode and taken every bit of bollocks legislation you've rammed down our throats. We've sat idly by and watched as you've economically shafted us individually and as a nation with your looney commie policies. Your individual and collective credibility now struggles to reach negative figures. You ponce around in Wellington with your supercilious manner on my money. You take my hard earned money off me in taxes and generally squander it on people and things I wouldn't give the time of day to. You occasionally and grudgingly see fit to give me some of money back in the guise of 'Tax Cuts' and expect me to be grateful and not see them for what they really are - election bribes. You spend my more of my money signing up to economically ruining this country in the name of saving the Planet because it suits your stupid Socialist view of the world order. You treat me like an idiot and expect to be returned for three more years of idiocy. And you do this all on the back of a tissue of lies and a web of deceit. Hellfire you make me so bloody angry.

Well its payback time. You've been found out and you are going down. Now just piss off out of my life - forever.

Tweet

Worried

I am getting more uneasy by the minute over this disgraceful Peters business. That it is not right is patently obvious and has been for months. But it is the type of 'not rightness' that is gnawing away at me.

The two main political players, Dear Leader and Peters, are by no stretch of the imagination my cup of tea but both of them have track records that are testimony to their political skills. Superficially the whole shameful edifice is is a house of cards built on quick sand. The things we are being asked to believe are quite literally unbelievable.

Peters over the last couple of days has looked nervous (you don't often see that) and Dear Leader looked like a possum caught in the headlights last night (and you never see that). All good. And yet it is not right. I just can't see these two allowing themselves to get into such an untenable position. Winston is stood down but apparently at time of writing (Saturday evening) he is still a minister. He has just been relieved of his portfolios but retains the salary, house, car etc for doing nothing. This play on words is typical of the two main protagonists of course.

We have seen the careful use of words all through this. I suspect that Winston hasn't lied as much as we think he has and he has been able to do this because he been asked the wrong questions. Or he has answered factually to a version of the question (probably the literal meaning) and we have interpreted that answer as the reply to what we thought we said or what we meant.

I can't help feel that the current enquiries have been set up to fail. Winston will come out the other side all squeaky clean having been found to have done nothing illegal (and quite what that has to do with the price of fish I don't know). He can then walk into the next election arm in arm with Dear Leader (they are electorally joined at the hip now) and sail to an unlikely victory given current polling levels.

Has Winston (plus or minus Clark) forced his enemies to attack knowing he has several aces up his sleeve? Is this whole thing a seriously cunning political plan for Labour to snatch an election victory from the jaws of seeming certain defeat?

God I hope it doesn't pan out that way but that ghastly scenario seems to me to hold more water than the 'Helen and Winston have been politically naive to allow themselves to get backed into their current corner' explanation.

I'm worried.

Tweet